BOSTON. In this city of numerous colleges and universities, the coronavirus has taken an exceptionally heavy toll. “You don’t get the full, life-enriching undergraduate experience taking classes by video conference,” says Michael Norgrand, a tenured professor of English. “You only see people’s faces, no sense of depth perception, no chiaroscuro shading beneath the breasts under a tight-fitting sweater.”
“You split another infinitive. That means two sessions as a naughty meter maid.”
For Norgrand and others like him, the end of in-person classes has meant a dramatic reduction in opportunities to hand out high grades to comely young women in exchange for sexual favors, a loss that many liken to an unfair labor practice. “Technically, it doesn’t appear in my contract or the faculty by-laws,” says Allan Weinstock. “But when I was hired I got a nudge-nudge/wink-wink from the Dean of Arts and Sciences, and I relied on that when I accepted his offer.”
“You got a C on the pop quiz, but I’ll give you a do-over take-home exam.”
Academics here are strongly resisting proposals that they switch to “distance learning” out of public health concerns, saying their own mental health and self-esteem should be weighed in the balance. “How am I going to hold my head up at a Modern Language Association convention when some dork at a cow college in a state with one zip code tells me he adds six notches to his headboard every semester,” says Justin Traisten, who has parlayed a series of papers on suicidal female poetesses into a file cabinet full of paternity suits. “I don’t want to have to drive twenty miles every morning to get a cappuccino.”
“Well, since you put it that way, I guess I could raise your grade to A+++”
Because professors are involved in academic policy they can’t unionize, so individuals are on their own in navigating the brave new world of diminished student-teacher nookie opportunities. “I’d be willing to take less money for more sex,” says Traisten, “but I am not giving up my assigned parking space.”
Now it’s truly a crisis.