As Biden Fills Staff, Freedonian-Americans Ask “Where is Payoff?”

CAZENOVIA, New York.  Klorkia Nustra-Hoobert is an accomplished zither player, collector of bottle caps, notary public and certified paralegal, but she had hopes of adding another distinction to her resume in January.  “I send many application to Mr. President Biden, going back to when he was still Mr. President-Elect,” she says as a little moue of disappointment crosses her lips.  “I hear nothing, even though I sit by phone all day, my hair up in curlers, ready to ‘jump on’ Zoom call at moment’s notice.”


Dressed and ready to go!

 

Nustra-Hoobert is a Freedonian-American who says–without providing documentation–that she has been a loyal supporter of Biden’s for many years because of their shared connection to upstate New York.  “It is only 20.6 miles from here to Syracuse,” where Biden attended law school, she says.  “In good weather with light traffic only half an hour, you don’t even need to stop at Sbarro.”

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Mischievous Freedonian women.

 

Freedonian-American community leaders say they have been shut out of the most prestigious appointments of the new administration, even as the President has trumpeted a cabinet that “looks like America” because of its diversity.  “Pah!” exclaims Norz Glammonko, current Secretary-Treasurer of the Freedonian-American Mutual Aid and Benefit Society here.  “How can you look like America without Freedonians?” he asks bitterly as he spits on the ice-covered parking lot of the organization’s headquarters, which–he reminds this reporter–is available for rent at the rate of $125 per night.  “We fought side by side with your country in 1973 invasion of Grenada,” he adds.  “Isn’t that worth maybe Under-Assistant Secretary of Something-or-Other?”

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Waiting for Presidential motorcade to drive by.

 

Administration officials attribute the dearth of Freedonian-Americans among their appointees to the country’s determined adherence to a base-7 number system, which requires double figures in order to count any quantity of 8 or higher.  “It is good to have lots of numbers,” says Elkei Noakelj, who teaches traditional Freedonian math to children in a makeshift school here.  “Without numbers I am unemployed, you wouldn’t want that would you?”

Freedonia was formed after World War II out of sandbags, grass clippings, frozen dinners abandoned by the Russian Army as they routed retreating German forces, and an 18-lane bowling alley that had once been the site of the Great Leap Forward-Legh’s Borscht Pro-Am tournament.  “It is to this land that my ancestors come looking for freedom,” says Koakelj over a lump in her throat.  “When we get here, we learn it costs $5 to rent bowling shoes, plus extra $3 if you forget socks.”

Another national characteristic that counts against Freedonians in their quest for federal government jobs is their tendency to become argumentative when asked routine questions, pushing back against such commonplace inquiries as name, age and marital status.  “That is none of your business Miss Bossy Panty Hose,” said Orkblut Nzikeiols in response to a stenographer’s request before a Senate confirmation hearing in 2013.  “I don’t know where you get off asking personal question without buying me drink first.”

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