Wondering whether your carry-on item will fit in the overhead compartment? Concerned that the stewardess won’t reach your row with a complimentary bag of peanuts before the plane lands? Ask the Worldly Traveler–she’s been everywhere!
“Now hop on one leg and make a noise like your favorite animal.”
Dear Worldly Traveler:
I am currently waiting to board my flight to Dubuque at Quad Cities International Airport and noticed that the pilot and one of the stewardesses were flirting as they got on the plane. I am not comfortable entrusting myself and my collection of Beanie Babies to a “flight crew” that looks like they’re ready for a lap dance in the cockpit. Isn’t there any regulation against this sort of thing? I don’t care what these people do in their spare time, but I would prefer not to be consumed in a fireball of flames just because some hotshot air jockey can’t keep his pecker in his pocket.
Claude Schucter, Ottumwa Collectibles, Ottumwa, Iowa.
“Step out of line please–I need to inspect those things for, uh, contraband.”
Dear Mr. Schucter:
As a matter of fact our “Federal Aviation Administration” has strict rules about both fraternizing AND sororitizing among flight crew members: all sexual acts and gestures of flirtation must cease at least twelve (12) hours before “wheels up” time. Zip on over to the Quad City Airport Business Centre (free fax cover sheets!), print out my reply and show it to the two love birds.
“Well, sweetie, no cute 4-year-old girl has hijacked a plane yet, but better safe than sorry.”
Dear Worldly Traveler–
I have been supporting my fiancé, whom I will call “Chuck” because his name is Charles, while he undergoed (underwent?) the arduous training required to become a Transportation Safety Agency security screener. Now that he has graduated and is about to become gainfully employed looking at the bodies of random females through X-ray machines, I have become concerned that he may be tempted to stray, leaving me with sky-high credit card bills for the on-line courses he took to learn how to operate the Professional High Sensitivity Hand Held Metal Detector Guard Security Wand with Vibration MD 3003B1 that TSA mandates. I don’t want to be judgmental, but dammit–I’m trying to make this relationship work! Is there a high rate of infidelity among TSA security scanners?
Sincerely,
Wanda Evarts, Eau Claire, WI 54701
“C’mere, look–this guy’s hung like a Missouri mule!”
Dear Wanda–
Glad you asked! Security scanners are under strict orders to look only for potential weapons of mass destruction such as nail clippers and NOT at women’s mammary glands or “lady parts” during routine inspections. TSA employees are required to fill out Form TSA-1215 before pulling a female passenger out of line for a full cross-your-heart examination.
Here to serve you! Also to feel you up.
Dear Ms. Worldly Traveler:
It has been my dream ever since I was a little girl to become an airline stewardess. After graduating from high school (in the top 40% of my class, I might add), I applied to the “stew schools” of all the major airlines, and was rejected by all of them. In most cases no reason was given, but the letter from Trans-Indiana Air let slip that they felt I was not attractive enough for the high-flying executives who use them for “short-hop” flights during sorghum harvest season.
Well, I “licked my wounds” and “sucked it up” and became a secretary in a personal injury law firm, which I recently took a vacation from to go see my sister Eunice in Paducah. Ms. Worldly Traveler, there is absolutely no way I am less attractive than this one woman “Christine” who seemed to be the head cheerleader of the stewardesses on the TIA flight. She looked like Celine Dion might if you drove her through a car wash in a convertible with the top down, then hit her with an ugly stick.
I am considering a discrimination lawsuit against the airline and wonder if you would be willing to be an expert witness.
Cheryl Lynn Norumbega, Evansville, Ill.
“This stuff will sell like hotcakes at my garage sale!”
Dear Cheryl Lynn–and my what a pretty name!
Unfortunately, I am forbidden by the terms of my syndication contract from accepting monetary payments from readers of my column, since this might impair the objectivity of the advice I give. Why don’t you ask one of the guys or gals in your office to represent you “pro bono,” which is a Latin term that means “cheap.”
“Let’s see if we can get this baby up to 60!”
Hey there, Worldly Traveler lady–
Long-time reader, first-time writer.
I want your opinion on something. I was running late to a plane the other day and the terminal was a mob scene, so I grabbed one of those little golf-carts they have for handicapped and the elderly. Since I am 60 years old, I qualify as a “senior citizen” at the Framingham Multiplex 14, so I figured it was okay. Also I sprained my ankle in high school basketball and it’s been giving me a lot of trouble lately.
Well, I’d no sooner fired that baby up than a guy starts yelling “hijacker” and the TSA is all over me like a frogman’s wet suit. They read me the rights of some Mexican guy, which I found offensive. I told them to save their “Miranda” warning for an illegal alien, and I don’t mean the kind from outer space.
Anyway, I’m looking at a 5-10 year min/max sentence for interfering with the lawful operations of an airport shuttle cart and am wondering: do you think I should accept the plea bargain the U.S. Attorney is offering me? It’s 200 hours of community service removing chewing gum from the underside of airplane armrests.
Thanks in advance,
Lloyd Meehan, Shrewsbury, Mass.
Dear Lloyd–
Boy did you pick a bad time to “go ape(poop)”! Airport shuttle hijackings are a growing problem, and unfortunately it is not limited to Middle Eastern men who can be racially profiled with relative ease.
I would take the deal you’ve been offered, learn your lesson and put this little incident behind you. Next time follow the TSA’s guideline: Strive to arrive at the airport at least three hours before the pilot tells the stewardess he slept with the night before that of course he’ll stay in touch.
Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Take My Advice–I Wasn’t Using it Anyway.”