Taking advantage of our nation’s ketchup shortage, President Joe Biden has bypassed Congress and tackled America’s epidemic of gun violence with an initiative he calls, “Season Your Fries with Life.”
The program is straightforward: Turn in your handgun at any fast-food restaurant in the country and receive 10 single-serving packets of ketchup. Bring in an AR-15 semi-automatic rifle and get 25 packets. Shoulder-mounted rocket launchers can be exchanged for 100 packets plus a voucher for 50 small bags of fries.
As the President put it, “Americans love shooting one another, but we love our French fries with ketchup even more.”
Preliminary results are promising, with gun-toting patrons flocking to fast-food outlets from Maine to California. For example, here’s Ernest “Skeeter” Robideaux of Natchitoches, Louisiana: “I’d been plannin’ on goin’ to my local Family Dollar yesterday and shootin’ up the place, but once I heard about the President’s offer, I hightailed it over to Hardee’s. Turned in my stash of 15 handguns and — just for the hell of it — gave them both of my Mr. Stabbo Bowie knives. Now I’ve got enough ketchup to last me until 2022. Here, have a fry.”
Of course, every solution creates a new problem, and Season Your Fries is no exception.
Some folks show up with their gun and then change their minds. They decide they’re better off just robbing the establishment and taking the ketchup. As a result, holdups at fast-food outlets in the U. S. jumped 79% on the first day the exchange went into effect, and 52 cashiers were shot.
The President has acknowledged that “there are still some kinks to work out” in his initiative.