The dripping faucet of sexual charges against Governor Andrew Cuomo became a full-fledged, flushing bilge pump on Saturday, when State Attorney General Letitia James disclosed that she is investigating complaints filed by every adult female in New York.
“Taken as a whole, these accusations claim that the Governor has engaged in a dizzying array of non-consensual actions,” according to James. “These include groping, poking, stroking, massaging, caressing, kneading, nuzzling, nibbling, twerking, pinching, palpating, goosing, flicking, fondling, feather-dusting, pickling the mango, and something called ‘planking the IKEA’.
“Equally disturbing, five members of the New York Mets report that when Mr. Cuomo visited the team’s Port St. Lucie training facility in early March, he displayed questionable behavior. One rookie alleges that when he complied with the Governor’s request to show him his Louisville Slugger, Cuomo grinned slyly and whispered, ‘No, I meant your other big bat’.”
James was quick to point out that not all of these allegations are likely to be confirmed as credible: “For example, Georgia Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene has accused the Governor of ordering her to remove her clothes during one of his televised COVID briefings in April of 2020. However, in the past she has lodged similar complaints against Mr. Rogers and Judy Woodruff, anchor of the PBS NewsHour. Both of these claims turned out to be false.
“Still, the evidence against the Governor is growing. When I met with him last week to outline the parameters of the investigation, he gazed at me leisurely from head to toe and then followed up with a pitch-perfect rendition of Joey Tribbiani’s legendary greeting, ‘How YOU doin’?'”
So … was he wanting to pitch, or catch?