DOS FLEDENS, Freedonia. In a move unprecedented in the history of this land-locked country, Freedonian Prime Minister Glokzia Novrkelsizch yesterday recalled the nation’s ambassador to U.S., Mialwk Zalkesnwk, who had served his nation without distinction for three years.
“Enough is enough,” Novrkelsizch said. “Zalkesnwk has been living high on the hog while his countrymen get by on nothing but plaixlw,” a hearty stew made of turnips, parsnips, and more turnips. “How many buckets of Popeye’s fried chicken can one man eat?” he said as he reviewed fast-food receipts included in Zalkesnwk’s expense account report.
Zlkesnwk has kept a low profile in Washington, surfacing from his basement apartment on Embassy Row only to partake of free food and drink at diplomatic receptions. “Zalkesnwk? Never heard of him,” said British ambassador Nigel Huff-Fenwick. “I can barely pronounce it.”
International news sources speculated that Freedonia’s move was timed to coincide with French President Emmanuel Jean-Michel Frederic Macron’s decision to withdraw France’s ambassador in a dispute with the U.S., the United Kingdom and Australia over submarines, and Novrkelsizch hastened to use the incident to tout his country’s baking-soda powered subs. “You never hear of a tragic fatal accident with our submarines lying on the ocean floor with hundreds of sailors in them,” he said, scoffing at the problems that have plagued the fleet of Russia. “All you have to do is drain the bathtub, and there the little bugger lies, high and dry.”
Freedonia was formed after World War II out of parts of Albania, Austria, abandoned playground equipment, and a shopping center parking lot. “We are a proud people,” says national historian Ekwlrk Iglqii. “We have come so far that most of my countrymen–and ladies–see absolutely no reason to exert themselves any further.”