Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez’s latest house-hunting stop was an $85 million mega-mansion
… so, she’s now “Jenny who owns the whole block!”
Texas abortion law a “radical expansion” of who can sue whom, and an about-face for Republicans on civil lawsuits
Short version: Texas is turning ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ into a documentary.
Taco Bell dealing with shortages of ingredients, hot sauce, even napkins
… to go along with the usual absence of toilet paper…
Clapton to go on tour; Won’t require audience members to be vaxxed
I guess that’s why it’s called the Delta Blues.
Tennis star Alexander Zverev piles on Stefanos Tsitsipas’ bathroom breaks during US Open with cheating charge: ‘It’s not normal’
In fairness, the US Open happens in a place named Flushing.
Taliban mad the US made equipment inoperable
If they’re mad now wait until the ABS light starts blinking on those Humvee dashboards.
Want to know why you can’t get a McFlurry? So, do the feds
My bets on the Hamburglar.
Court backs a teacher who refused to use transgender students’ pronouns
Look for Transgender students to respond F&#k/You.
CNN says playing golf might help you live longer
Just make sure you don’t let Tiger Woods get behind the wheel of the golf cart.
Yvette Nicole Brown says Matthew McConaughey, who doesn’t wear deodorant, ‘smells like granola and good living
While Charlie Sheen smells like pharmaceuticals and a restraining order.
Historic flooding in New York after Ida blasts the Northeast
OMG, New York’s more underwater than a Trump Casino.
Anti-Vax radio hosts keep dying from COVID
So, Covidiocy killed the radio star?
Dog the Bounty Hunter marries Francie Frane 2 years after Beth Chapman’s death
Here’s betting they were registered at ‘Bed, Bath and Just Beyond the Reach of the Law.’
US Jobs Report Shows Gain of 235K in August
… Would’ve been 235,002 but y’know, Mike Richards lost two jobs at Jeopardy! …