CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE, NJ (AP) — Jason Voorhees testified this week he was under attack when he killed 28 teens, disemboweled a 29th teen with his machete, and defenestrated a 30th during a chaotic night of camping at Camp Crystal Lake, saying: “I didn’t do anything wrong. I defended myself.” The southern New Jersey hockey and outdoors enthusiast took the stand at his murder trial to tell his side of what happened at camp that day in the summer of 1980-something, glowering so menacingly at one point that the judge called a break. The normally stonily silent Voorhees said the first teen cornered him in an open forest where Voorhees had gone to murder people, the second teen had looked at him askance while he was innocently looming in the dark woods with a blood-dripping machete, and the third teen came at him with a head he could have theoretically head-butted him with before Voorhees decapitated him in self-defense. His testimony took nearly all day as he enumerated the countless ways in which the teens threatened him: by offending his prudish sensibilities by having awkward teen sex, by having lustful thoughts probably, and by snoring in their bunks in a way that made him fear for his life. He told the jury he felt threatened by teens talking too loudly after curfew, experiencing social anxiety, practicing lackluster personal hygiene, blowing off archery practice, failing to call home every week, not finishing all their peas and carrots, being sarcastic to mask their insecurities, and not really putting their hearts into arts and crafts. Voorhees shuddered with sobs as smidgeons of dry powder visibly puffed from the worm-infested eye sockets in his ghoulishly desiccated visage while he recounted how one counselor shirked his responsibilities by smoking weed and drinking a room-temperature can of Stroh’s by the campfire. The machete-wielding maniac testified that he feared the burning embers of the joint could have potentially been used to light a stick of dynamite that could have been hurled right at him and that it was too dark to tell whether he had a cache of dynamite or not. Voorhees, who is immortal with supernatural strength and regenerative healing abilities, went to Camp Crystal Lake with a razor-sharp machete capable of slicing effortlessly through human flesh and cutting clear through bone that he said was for clearing brush and keeping the property looking nice. He told jurors he was very, very concerned with the condition of the property despite not owning, renting, leasing, occupying or having any tangential relation to it whatsoever. He could be sentenced to up to one scene in prison before the demonstrably violent and blatantly unhinged psycho breaks out to go on another murderous rampage. The case has divided Americans over whether Voorhees was a spree killer who traveled miles to act out his twisted, pathological fantasies of senseless bloodshed or if those nogoodnik teens had it coming. An angry exchange erupted between the chief prosecutor and Judge Norman Bates, who burst a vein in his forehead while breathlessly screaming unprompted, “I’ll kill you, I’ll kill you, I’ll kill you, I’ll kill you all.”
Jason Voorhees: “I didn’t do anything wrong. I defended myself”
