Last year I was inspired to write a parody holiday season song, and this year it appears I still haven’t learned my lesson.
Again, I can’t imagine anyone who’s not in the emergency services will fully appreciate this, but that never stopped me before. I wrote new lyrics to the Christmas song “Happy Holiday/The Holiday Season”, dedicated to emergency telecommunicators out there–including those who, like me, still call themselves 911 dispatchers.
I’m 30 years on the job, so it’s possible it’s starting to get to me.
Crappy Holiday song
(Sung to the tune of “Happy Holiday/The Holiday Season” … in Andy Williams’ voice.)
Crappy holiday,
crappy holiday
As the relatives keep drinking
Crappy holiday to you
It’s the family fight season
And Uncle Ted is coming ‘round
He gets so drunk that he falls to the ground
When old Teddy gets into town
He’ll be going to the jailhouse now
(He’ll be going to the jailhouse now)
It’s the drunken fight season
Your cousin Roy got into the booze
Wonder how many fights he will lose
He may show up on the evening news
He’ll be sleeping in the jailhouse now
(He’ll be sleeping in the jailhouse now)
Your nephew Jack is flat on his back
The football game didn’t go quite his way
So your old gram, a big Bears fan
put him underneath the Christmas tree
It’s the drunk driving season
An SUV, instead of a sleigh
Is hung up on your outside display
The guy inside thinks he’s in his driveway
He’ll be going to the jailhouse now
(He’ll be going to the jailhouse now)
Crappy holiday
(drunken holiday) Crappy holiday
Till the hangover takes over
Crappy holiday … to you!
Get the right cast member on Saturday Night Live to sing it. They’re all elf-taught.
Good point! They might even have a Santa Clause in their contract.