A Crappy New Parody Christmas Song

 Last year I was inspired to write a parody holiday season song, and this year it appears I still haven’t learned my lesson.

Again, I can’t imagine anyone who’s not in the emergency services will fully appreciate this, but that never stopped me before. I wrote new lyrics to the Christmas song “Happy Holiday/The Holiday Season”, dedicated to emergency telecommunicators out there–including those who, like me, still call themselves 911 dispatchers.

I’m 30 years on the job, so it’s possible it’s starting to get to me.



Crappy Holiday song

(Sung to the tune of “Happy Holiday/The Holiday Season” … in Andy Williams’ voice.)


Crappy holiday,

crappy holiday

As the relatives keep drinking

Crappy holiday to you


It’s the family fight season

And Uncle Ted is coming ‘round

He gets so drunk that he falls to the ground

When old Teddy gets into town

He’ll be going to the jailhouse now

(He’ll be going to the jailhouse now)


It’s the drunken fight season

Your cousin Roy got into the booze

Wonder  how many fights he will lose

He may show up on the evening news

He’ll be sleeping in the jailhouse now

(He’ll be sleeping in the jailhouse now)


Your nephew Jack is flat on his back

The football game didn’t go quite his way

So your old gram, a big Bears fan

put him underneath the Christmas tree


It’s the drunk driving season

An SUV, instead of a sleigh

Is hung up on your outside display

The guy inside thinks he’s in his driveway

He’ll be going to the jailhouse now

(He’ll be going to the jailhouse now)


Crappy holiday

(drunken holiday) Crappy holiday

Till the hangover takes over

Crappy holiday … to you!




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2 thoughts on “A Crappy New Parody Christmas Song”

  1. Get the right cast member on Saturday Night Live to sing it. They’re all elf-taught.

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