Mind Control Improved My Life! Let Me Share My Mind Control Secrets With You!

Ha ha. Sucker. You clicked the link.

I made you click that link with my awesome powers of mind control!

You had no idea that I was capable of doing that.

But now you’re here.

And?

You’re not leaving.

I am totally going to get you to read to the end of this piece — because I am controlling your mind!

Don’t worry — it’s just a two minute read.

I may have awesome mind control powers, but I’m not a sadist. I could have written a 17-minute-long post about wombat poop cubes  and made you read that — but I’m not here to torture you.

What am I here for?

What are any of us here for?

Why are we even on this planet?

Or on this platform?

Excellent questions!

I’m not a philosopher, so I have absolutely no idea.

All I know is why you are here, reading this particular post.

It’s because I have brought you here with my awesome mind control powers!

Don’t worry. The post is almost over, and then I will release you.

But first, I am going to cause you to post a comment. For instance?

This is the best thing I’ve ever read on Humoroutcasts.

Or

I enjoyed having you control my mind, Roz. Feel free to do it again.

Or even

The next time I visit Humoroutcasts  I’ll be wearing my Tin Foil Hat so you won’t be able to control my mind ha ha ha.

You may think that my forcing you to post a comment about liking this story is over-reaching and intrusive but it could have been so much worse.

I could have forced you to post a comment containing your social security number, your complete financial information, all of your passwords and your darkest secrets. Or?  I could have forced you to travel to Australia and bring back a dozen wombat poop cubes.

Okay, we’re almost done.

Just one more thing: You’re going to share this post!

You, in fact, are going to share it with three of your friends.

No more, no less.

What happens if you don’t?

Well I’ve got a 17 minute Wombat Poop Cube  post all ready to go, and I’m not afraid to use it.

Do you really want to find out?

( Roz Warren writes for everyone from the Funny Times to the New York Times, has been in 13 Chicken Soup for the Soul collections, and is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor. Drop her a line at roSwarren@gmail.com.)