The $54,000 a Semester Private School I Resegregated My Progeny To Is Trying to Teach My Precious Child That Slavery is Wrong!

“We have not had systemic racism against Blacks in this country since the civil rights reforms of the 1960s, a period of more than 50 years… I object to Brearley’s vacuous, inappropriate, and fanatical use of words such as ‘equity,’ ‘diversity’ and ‘inclusiveness.’”

–Private school parent Andrew Gutmann, as megaphoned by Bari Weiss’s Substack

Systemic racism still exists, claims the $54,000 a semester private school I send my privileged kid to so she doesn’t have to fraternize even in passing with poor minorities unless she’s buying a cold-pressed juice or a fusion taco in a transitioning neighborhood or shopping at some gauche mall.

Ever since President Dwight Eisenhower deployed the 101st Airborne Screaming Eagles paratroopers to force white children with the implicit threat of violence to learn about multiplication, what the Scarlet A was short for, social awkwardness, romantic despair and how much pullups suck with fellow kids of a slightly darker skin hue, rich dudebros like me have been forced to shell out big bucks to ensure our children are surrounded by the like-pigmented lest their attempts at learning be marred by rank diversity. I’m literally forking over fat stacks of cash to impoverished, common teachers and educators who own no yachts, rental properties or stock to speak of because they care more about helping others than the hustle and grind. Maybe you’d have some passive income too if you weren’t so passive and were more of an alpha like me.

I’m of course using vouchers to subsidize the exorbitant and ever-ballooning tuition to a ritzy private school while starving public schools of scant and desperately needed resources. Why should minority children get an adequately funded education in which everyone chips in their fair share when systemic racism doesn’t even exist, according to me, a rich investment banker and polo-shirted scion of privilege who had scioned even more privilege after a long day of tennis, golf and networking over Manhattans and Negronis? It’s not like the solid foundation of a decent education could create a somewhat level playing field for people of different socioeconomic backgrounds.

I didn’t send my dear child to this esteemed bastion of the elite so she could learn to think or think about anyone other than herself and her narrow self-interests. The purpose of education is to equip yourself to maximize your return on investment and nothing else, and my child should not be brainwashed into caring about anything other than the highest possible profit margin in the next fiscal quarter. That does not leave room for any consideration whatsoever of the less fortunate and any struggles they may have had, which have clearly been nonexistent since lynching was banned as any affluent Upper East Side person completely and totally insulated from the real world can clearly see. Emmett Till was killed at the age of 14 more than 60 years ago. Systemic racism then ended when everyone instantly realized the error of their ways and reformed themselves on the spot so they’re now completely beyond reproach and saintly in each and every single way. The world is perfect as it is and should never change in any way. Minorities should simply move on from the blind hate, unending persecution and looming threat of violent murder of them and everyone they know and love. Stop living in the past! When have you heard about any minority kids being extrajudicially slaughtered since then, other than Adam Toledo, Daunte Wright, McHale Rose, Xzavier Hill, Frederick Cox, Joshua Feast, Casey Goodson Jr. A.J. Crooms, Sincere Piece and countless and countless others who are seemingly getting killed for no legitimate reason almost every single day?

How could any reasonable person even conclude that systematic racism still exists at a time when minorities have rallied in every major city and town in the entire country to plead that their lives also matter and literally beg on the street that their children not be killed for holding a Snapple that could be misconstrued as a gun? They’re all wrong and I am right because I am very smart, as is evidenced by vocabulary words like “sophomoric” that are far, far beyond the reach of high school sophomores and are reserved for serious intellectuals like me who have a greater net worth and far more drip than Socrates, Aristotle, Descartes, Hume, Kierkegaard, Foucault and Derrida combined. I am clearly the ultimate arbiter and adjudicator of racism, which is hardly the purview of the people who might have experienced it directly and first-hand.

Think about it. This isn’t grounded in people’s lived experiences like getting followed around in a CVS while trying to buy some batteries or a bar of soap as though they’re a shoplifter and not a customer. It’s all a dastardly scheme. First, these minorities will claim that racism is rampant, then they will inject us all with the Bill Gates 5G vaccine, then they will be so bold as to assert that there should be moral limitations on my personal property that I stole from others by any means possible and then they will be claim slavery was wrong, even when a plantation remains a picaresque and romantic backdrop for engagement photos. Now I’m not saying slavery was morally right, but what about the mores of the time and the art that came out of that period like “Gone with the Wind” and “The Birth of a Nation?” What about divorcing the art from creators who were racist as hell, openly so and made not the slightest effort whatsoever to hide it?

Answer me this brain genius: If I am personally well-off, how can society possibly have any flaws? You want my child to consider that I might have accrued wealth because of systemic power structures that harmed others?

What, am I supposed to send my kid to a public school?
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