An article entitled “Mystery of the Diminishing Sperm Counts” reports that between 1973 and 2011, sperm concentrations worldwide decreased by 52% and at the same time total sperm counts were lowered by 59%. These results were based on an overall analysis of 185 separate studies involving 43,000 men who provided . . . “samples.” What’s more shocking to me is not that sperm quantities dropped by almost 60% but rather that 43 thousand men were willing, in this very intimate way, to “donate” to the cause of science.
These days, many men are suffering from what the Mayo Clinic terms oligospermia, a condition you have when you register under 15 million sperm per milliliter of semen. You have fourteen million swimmers per milliliter? So disappointing. A complete loss of sperm is known as azoospermia.
One of the telling symptoms of low sperm count, according to the Mayo Clinic, is “decreased facial…hair.” Not to brag, but have you seen my mustache?
Theories about the causes of this crisis include varicoceles, which are swellings of the veins that drain the testicles. Drain? the testicles? Just this definition scares me.
Another possible cause is celiac disease, which can be a byproduct of gluten intolerance. But celiac disease only contributes to lower sperm counts in males. Does that seem fair? Women can eat all the gluten they want and it won’t reduce their sperm count one little bit!
Another cause may be “heavy metal exposure.” When no less an authority than the Mayo Clinic warns you about heavy metal, it’s time to stop listening to AC/DC.
In case you think this is only a men’s issue, I hasten to point out that Geoffrey Kabat, Ph.D., blames lowering sperm counts in men on—you guessed it—women! Kabat claims, “There is strong evidence that women’s behaviors during pregnancy, especially smoking, can cause future sperm loss in the boys they give birth to.” The problem would be solved if women would just stop having boys. But too many women are not willing to cooperate with the science. Incredibly, these women are still allowed to walk around free even though they’re clearly—spermicidal.
And, finally, of especial interest to office workers (and writers), is the possible cause of “overheating of testicles.” According to the Mayo Clinic, “sitting for long periods…or working on a laptop computer for long stretches of time might increase the temperature in your scrotum…and reduce sperm production.” In other words, what male office workers have for years thought was productive was actually counter-productive. A little slogan I made up to help you remember this is “As the screen time goes up, the sperm count goes down.” You’re welcome.
Returning to the meta-analysis of the 43,000 men in 185 studies, the most disturbing fact is the acceleration of sperm diminishment over the years. Epidemiologist Shanna Swan has published a comprehensive book on this phenomenon entitled Count Down: How Our Modern World Is Threatening Sperm Counts, Altering Male and Female Reproductive Development, and Imperiling the Future of the Human Race. Swan forecasts that “if you look at the curve on sperm count and project it forward,…it reaches zero in 2045.” This is a terrifying trend. If men keep it up for 24 years, no more sperm. Azoospermia on a global scale.
No matter how controversial the conclusions or methodology of this research might be, I think we can all agree that the study is, in a word—seminal.
(Bill Spencer is author of Uranus Is Always Funny: Short Essays to Make You Laugh.)
I don’t have the command of slogans that you do, Bill.
All I can come up with is “prolonged laptop on the lap causes the sperm to sap”.
You’re too modest, Bill Y. You are most certainly a cunning linguist.