The No-Paper Paper

My car insurance company mailed me a very polite letter.

A letter, printed on paper, thanking me for choosing the NO-PAPER option in all our correspondence. “You’re welcome, insurance company”, I wrote in a letter back to them.

Just in case I mistook this piece of paper for an actual piece of paper notifying me that I won’t be receiving paper, which it strongly resembles, they printed the words NO PAPER in huge type in the top right corner – of the paper.

In one way they are right. When I close my eyes it’s like there’s no paper. Except I can feel it in my hands.

So I’m just not really convinced yet. I did some acting when I was younger, but no matter what I do, like gain 50 pounds or live in a pulp and paper mill for 6 months, I can’t prepare myself for this role of acting like I’m not holding a piece of paper that I am, in fact, holding.

I wonder if De Niro would be able to handle a difficult role like this, in his younger, more authentic days, I mean. How would he approach it? One could consult a mime expert, but then it’s not like you’re pretending to hold a piece of paper. You are actually holding a piece of paper, and pretending not to, or not to notice you are. It’s reverse mime. Are there any reverse mime experts out there?

It’s like instead of hearing voices in your head that aren’t there, you’re not hearing voices in your head that are there. You’re insane, but no one can tell. Maybe you should start listening to those voices.

Wait a sec. Was I suppose to burn the paper, a la Mission: Impossible? I am often mistaken for Tom Cruise.

Now that I think of it, similar things like the no-paper paper happen to me all the time. My wife often greets me on a beautiful Spring Sunday morning and notifies me that she won’t be bugging me to clean the backyard today because she’s tired of it. The no-complaining complaint.

By the way, I chose the NO-PAPER option from my toilet paper provider. Don’t do that.


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