The Potato Heads Have Become A Political Football.

The whole genderless thing has now been inflicted on even that most American of characters- Mr. Potato Head and his family.


Hasbro, the manufacturer of Mr. Potato Head that has been a Christmas stocking stuffer since the 1950’s, has now announced a new sexless ‘Potato Head’ doll that is without a distinguishing male or female demarcation. The Potato Heads are no longer a her or he- they are an ‘it’. 


Thanks for screwing up my childhood, you Bozos! 

And my safe definition of what determines male and female in our society from that time. It was very comfy way back when to know that men have mustaches and wear bowler hats (although my aunt Emily, dear lady that she was, also had a mustache which did cause some concern and confusion for me) and Mrs. Potato Head had bangs, a purse and loud red lipstick. And that made the differentials very obvious. Thanks for blowing that all to hell!


Now there will be no distinction between Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head. Kids will be allowed to put whatever additions they want onto the generic spudly. They can go full-blown trans-gender and put long eyelashes on Mr. Potato head and a  goatee on what was once the Mrs. What does it matter anymore?


Why do this? Aren’t potatoes pretty non-sexual to begin with? Aren’t they about the least sexy thing there is already? THEY ARE SPUDS!!! They are born to be the most common, mundane food there is. They were transplanted to Europe from the Americas by Christopher Columbus  where they became the normal food of the Irish and of Vincent van Gogh paintings of peasants. Of course they ended up killing off the Irish in droves when they picked up a blight, but other than that they pretty much stayed quiet and kept a low profile throughout the centuries. And what are they here in the States but cheap side additions to omelets and to every biggie sized burger basket in every fast food franchise that exists.

Yes, you do get some radical potatoes that insist on showing off and donning themselves in risque colors like lurid purple and scandalously vibrant red colors, but these are just your occasional non-conformist and bohemian renegades like you get in any species. Other than that potatoes are the most bland, suburban edible entity you could get.


Now, with all vestiges of their sex obliterated, kids will be making them into all sorts of weird non-wholesome potato-like concoctions. Long hair and makeup on the male spuds so that they won’t be studs and they look like Mick Jagger or Alice Cooper in their early 70’s incarnations. Once feminine potatoes will have crew cuts (which never looked good even on men), tattoos and will be smoking cigars. Piercings will be abundant; not that piercings matter much to a potato. They were pretty much by their bulbous Nature asking to be pierced.


Because of this new development the Potato Head family will probably end up with more new attachments than Barbie has accessories. Hats, strangely shaped noses and ears, removable tattoos and scars, bizarre studs and rings. God forbid, however, should Hasbro come up with assorted ‘naughty bits’ for them. That could get really bizarre and obscene.

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