Trump Will Nominate Kyle Rittenhouse for Secretary of Defense after the 2024 Presidential Election

Stating that “Kyle is the son I never had,” Donald Trump asserted in a press conference yesterday that the acquitted 18-year-old “will prove to be our greatest Secretary of Defense EVER.  He may get knocked down, but he doesn’t stay down.  And God help you when he gets back up.”

For his part, Rittenhouse is confident that he’ll be prepared for the job by 2025:  “By then I’ll definitely know the difference between Iran and Iraq, Yemen and Benin, Cameroon and Brigadoon, as well as Burkina Faso and Brett Favre.  And I’ll be able to locate all of them on a map.  Or at least most of them.”

Rittenhouse says that he will not hesitate to send in armed American troops to break up major traffic jams in foreign capitals around the world:  “If a stalled car is holding up the free flow of traffic in Cairo, our men and women in uniform will have orders to shoot first and tow later.”

When informed by reporters that he actually has three biological sons — Don, Jr., Eric, and Barron — Trump denied paternity:  “Not one of those muttonheads is related to me.  Do a DNA swab of Mitch McConnell’s saliva and see what you find.  That traitor has slithered around more bedrooms than a horny Roomba at a convention center hotel.” 

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