Beauty Secrets of British Philosophers

In 1941, philosopher Bertrand Russell was paid $50 for an article by Glamour magazine.

Intellectuals, Paul Johnson

PRINCIPIA AESTHETICA

THE logic which occupies Part I of the present work has been constructed under the guidance of three different aesthetic purposes. In the first place, it aims to bring out the inner you that’s just waiting to explode with a total philosophical makeover! In the second place, it is framed with a view to your personal face shape, which determines the hairstyle, sunglasses and eyebrows that are right for you. In the third place, the system defines the 10 Things Women Do That Drive Guys Crazy!

(. . .)

In spite of the fact that eyebrows are theoretically superfluous, it is nonetheless true that, when considered as a whole, they often convey more important information than is expressed by the sum of the hairs taken individually. Thick, Brooke Shields-esque brows can be maintained with Occam’s Razor—the simplest solution is the best!—reducing the number of trips you need to make to your waxer or plucker.

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The statement “You are as big as a whale” is true but falsifiable if you take these simple steps to accentuate your cheekbones. Swirl mauve blush onto a darker foundation of nihilism, then highlight with an apercu by a French philosophe. Remember Plato’s cave–most people can’t tell the difference between reality and something else!

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Cosmo’s Guide to a Romantic Dinner for Two

by

J.L. Austin

 

Planning a dinner party or other important social occasion? As I wrote in my essay “Pretending”, when entertaining someone “special” it is considered vulgar to pretend to be vulgar, even though one is pretending and may not actually be vulgar. Thus, it is no excuse on such an occasion that you are imitating a former boyfriend when you remove a wad of pork gristle from your cheek while saying “This is ‘zackly how my ex Darrell used to take food out of his mouth!”

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This Month in Redbook: Keep Your Man Crazy in Love the Logical Positivist way!

by A.J. Ayer

I am often asked, “What is logical positivism and how can it help me have a more fulfilling love life?” I respond that the central principal of logical positivism is that no relationship exists unless there is a verifiable basis by which you can determine that your potential new boyfriend has dropped the woman he was previously dating. If, for example, a young man regularly asks you out on Friday nights, but is curiously unavailable on Saturdays, there is no cognitively meaningful grounds upon which one can make the statement ”Floyd is all mine now, he dropped that back-combed bimbo he used to date.”

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Ask Dr. Wittgenstein, a Marie Claire Exclusive

Dear Dr. Wittgenstein:

In your column last month you said many conventional philosophical problems are “meaningless wordplay.” I was at the bottom of the page where you said “What is Truth?” was one such problem, but I was in the beauty shop and it was time for my rinse and when I came back from the sink some other girl had taken my copy of Marie Clare! I’m going out on a second date tonight with a guy I really like and could use a few more examples if you have any.

Thanks.

Mary Beth Patrick, Seekonk MA

Dear Mary Beth:

There are a number of philosophical problems of this sort which can be used as “icebreakers” when conversation lags or to get someone else talking when you feel a burp coming on. I like “What’s reality done for you lately?” and “Have you seen Truth? She’s like totally changed her look!” If you need to fend off an importunate attempt to “cop a feel,” try “If p follows from q, I can make an inference from q to p, deduce p from q, so mind your p’s and q’s, buster!”

Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Let’s Get Philosophical.”