Biden Establishes DEPARTMENT OF THE EXTERIOR to Oversee Skin-Color Identity Politics

In a bold move that is sure to generate controversy on both the left and the right, President Joe Biden has announced the creation of the Department of the Exterior, which will be responsible for naming all the skin colors that will be used to categorize citizens of the United States. 

The President, speaking from the Rose Garden on Sunday afternoon, maintained that “the crude terms we currently employ to describe people in our nation, such as ‘white’ and ‘black’, are far too simplistic to capture the diversity of hue that characterizes us.  Under the leadership of John G. Morikis, the Department of the Exterior will develop official terminology for the Bureau of the Census to apply when collecting U. S. demographic data.  Mr. Morikis has taken a leave of absence from his CEO position at the Sherwin-Williams Company to head the Department of the Exterior.  No organization understands the nuances of color difference better than this world-famous paint company.  Their expertise is unrivaled.”  

Here are some of the terms that will replace “white” and “black” beginning on January 1, 2023:

WHITE

—  Plantation Cotton

—  Vintage Spackle

—  Zuckerberg Peach

—  Snow Squall

—  Polar Bear

—  Poached Ivory

—  French Bidet

—  Sun-Bleached Desert Skull

—  Starched Klan

—  Kindergarten Paste

BLACK

—  Super Sepia

—  H. Rap Brown

—  Mocha Chip

—  Dusted Truffle

—  UPS

—  Autumn Auburn

— “Scare White People S**tless” Ebony

—  French Roast

—  Wakanda Forever

—  Lucky Penny

Biden added that if Replacement Theory is correct, and a race war erupts in the United States within the next decade, the Department of the Exterior’s terminology will be invaluable to journalists when describing participants in the conflict.