For the past several years neuroscientists around the country have puzzled over the precipitous decline in intellectual functioning and moral reasoning that has characterized prominent Republican politicians such as Ron DeSantis, Lindsey Graham, Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, Mitch McConnell, and Kevin McCarthy, to name just a few.
On Monday, Centers for Disease Control Director Rochelle Walensky announced that researchers have identified the likely cause: the Tibetan Brain Flea, an insect that enters its host via the ear canal and then eats its way out of the brain through the frontal lobe.
Scientists examined infrared photos of politicians taken at various public events, and noticed that a subgroup displayed the distinctive cornea craters associated with TBF infections. The craters indicate a hollowed-out brain cavity directly behind the eyes.
“We’re in the midst of a full-fledged public health crisis,” says Walensky. “A healthy democracy requires at least two viable political parties that can engage in meaningful interaction. We don’t have that right now. If we don’t stop the spread of this infection soon, our nation’s way of life will be at risk. The problem here is not Donald Trump or Q-Anon. It’s biological: a parasite from Hell. It’s imperative that we figure out why it seems to be attracted only to high-profile Republicans and Joe Manchin.”