Fun Trying Times

These are trying times. Try these tips for having more fun:

The next time you meet someone who suffers a head trauma that causes amnesia, tell them you were there for them the whole time in the hospital. They’ll say, “Hmmm, I don’t remember that” and you’ll say, “Of course not. The doctor said that would happen.” Then you can add all sorts of fun things, like, “Can I have my money back?”

Go to a party where you don’t know anyone and tell people you’re a musician named John and you’ve created a new johnre of music. Make sure sometimes you say “johnre” and sometimes “genre”.

Combine onsite and online shopping. Once I went to a Roots store , sat in one of their leather chairs and ordered everything online. The Roots girl kept asking me if I needed help. “Leave me alone”, I said, “I’m trying to buy some sweat pants and boots.” “Would you like to try them on?”, she asked. “The sizes are printed right here”, I fumed. Fun day, except for the rude salesgirl.

Shoplifting is fun. Go to Chapters and try slow shoplifting. Every day go and read one chapter from a book, without paying. Depending on the size of the book, in about 2 weeks you’ve stolen a whole book, in your mind. They don’t notice anything missing and no alarms go off. It’s foolproof.

More fun at Chapters. One day I went and asked to buy 3 chapters from a book. They said no, you have to buy the entire book. But it’s called Chapters. You must sell chapters. If your store was called Books, I’d buy the book. I actually want only a few pages, but your store isn’t called Pages. Now give me the chapters.

Go grocery shopping and buy some bacon, ready-made poutine, Doritos, beer, fried chicken, Oreos, lard, Fruitloops, mac and cheese, maraschino cherries, Cheez Whiz, pile it all up and on top put a container of hydroponic lettuce. Kills every time.

After buying all that food, complain that the mushrooms are covered in fungus. 

Have a kids birthday party with a money cake. Only there’s no money in the cake. It’s an e-transfer cake. Tell them to check their email for 5 cents.

Go to Home Depot and say you’re not looking to winterize your cottage, but summerize it. Then yell, “I can summerize it in one word: FUN.”

Once I went to Starbucks and told them my name is Encino. Ordered the frappuccino. Then I hid. Encino? Frappuccino? Or, your name could be Phat, and you order a skinny latte. “Phat, skinny latte?” Hilarious.

Next time you go to a mechanic and a worker calls you boss, immediately tell him he’s fired. Yell really loudly that you’ve had it with his attitude and he no longer works there. You’re the boss.

Go to a drug store and ask for solareclipsescreen.

Tell people today is International All-About-You Day.


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