“It’s time to reconceptualize mass shootings,” Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell announced at a press conference on Saturday. “We should stop thinking of them as tragedies, and instead see them as opportunities for cash-strapped state governments to raise much-needed revenue without increasing taxes. It is in that spirit that the Senate will consider legislation in the fall to establish a nationwide Mass Shooting Sweepstakes. The bill will encompass the most attractive elements of Fantasy Football and the Powerball Lottery.
“The mechanics of the Sweepstakes are simple. Every week, participants around the country will visit convenience stores and wager on one or more of the following: the date of the next mass shooting, the number of victims, the location of the incident by state and venue (e.g., church, school, workplace, theater, sporting event, parade, political rally, grocery store), victim demographics (age, gender, race, etc.) and the number of hours that elapse between the time of the shooting and when Ted Cruz asserts that programs for the mentally ill need to be strengthened.
“With so many things to predict, there will be multiple ways to win, with cash prizes of varying amounts, just as there are in state lotteries. And after each incident, you will be able to purchase scratch-off cards for additional mass-shooting-related games (e.,g., Body Count Scramble: ‘Match the number of victims from last Thursday and win $5’).
“You will not be able to win anything by predicting the characteristics of mass shooters. Alienated white males dominate, and the resulting payoffs would bankrupt the Sweepstakes. The NRA plans to work with local governments and community organizations to diversify the population of mass shooters. For example, the number of female shooters is embarrassingly low. Achieving wage equality between males and females will mean little if women continue to lag far behind in major categories of gun violence.
“One-third of the revenue generated by the Sweepstakes will go to state governments to offset annual budget shortfalls; another third will be paid out in winnings; and the final third will be received by the immediate families of the victims (possible billboard ad for scratch-off games: ‘You’ve Lost a Loved One, Now Make Some Dough’).
“The proposed legislation honors our nation’s well-deserved reputation for resourcefulness, pragmatism, and creativity. My fellow citizens, it’s time to think outside the bullet. In a Sweepstakes society, nearly everyone will have a chance to improve their economic circumstances through voluntary, rather than government-mandated, participation. Many winners are likely to be minimum-wage earners; the profits they garner would significantly enhance their quality of life.
“I ask you, what could be more quintessentially American? It is time for the United States to stop whining about mass shootings, and start using them for the public good.”
And who says the GOP has no plans to push diversification?
I woudn’t put it past some states to actually do this………