Tom Brady Un-Retires After Refusing to Take Out Trash

Proclaiming in a Sunday Tweet that “I’m Tom Brady, and Tom Brady doesn’t take out the trash at his house or anybody else’s,” the iconic quarterback indicated that he’ll be returning to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in the fall.

Gisele Bündchen, Brady’s supermodel spouse, told reporters that “I’ve been taking out the garbage ever since Mr. Big Shot and I got married in 2009, and I am so-o-o-o-o-o done with all that.  On February 2nd I informed Tom that it was now his turn.”

City officials visited the Brady mansion on Saturday and discovered numerous bags of fetid refuse scattered throughout the residence, many of them having been torn open by rats the size of woodchucks.  The Brady’s two children, Benjamin and Vivian, were removed from the home by child welfare workers.

“They’re good kids,” said one of the workers.  “It’s a shame their parents are so immature.”

For their part, Benjamin and Vivian declared that “there’s no way we’re touching that maggot-ridden mess.  We’re just children, not even vaccinated for measles.  We want to go live with Uncle Donald and Aunt Melania.”


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