Attendance Soars After NBA Approves Eye-Gouging

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver was all smiles yesterday at his weekly press conference.  The reason?  Attendance has increased by an average of nearly 1400 per game since March 15th, when the league gave a thumbs-up to eye-gouging.

“For quite a while we had wanted to add some buzz to the game and expand our fan base, but we couldn’t think of a hook.  So here comes Wendy, one of our college interns who’s a big fan of Ultimate Fighting.  She suggests eye-gouging, and the rest, as they say, is history.  Five years from now I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s the Commissioner of the WNBA.  Wendy is that good.”

Silver, wearing a Phoenix Suns eye patch — the newest piece of apparel available from the NBA Store — also announced that halftime cockfights would be featured at all NBA playoff games this year.  “It’s just an experiment, but I am super-excited.  We’re working with FanDuel to develop an app for betting on the matches,” says Silver.  “Major League Baseball, you can take your newfangled pitch clock and shove it up your rosin bag.  The NBA RULES, baby!”

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