WASHINGTON, D.C. A federal government report on linguistic and demographic trends reveals that “I just want to cuddle” is the most common lie told by American males, passing “The check’s in the mail” for the first time since statistics on common falsehoods were initially collected in 1790.
“In part this is a reflection of changes in banking practices,” says Assistant Comptroller of the Currency Allen Whitehead. “The volume of payments by check has declined dramatically due to ‘fintech’ developments while man’s eternal quest for more nookie continues unabated.”
The other two most common lies–“One size fits all” and “Of course I’ll respect you in the morning” maintained their second and third place rankings, despite concerns that women’s “yoga pants” do not in fact fit all sizes. “Some of them gals, you walk behind them when they’re wearing those Lululemon trousers it looks like two hogs fighting under a Hefty trash bag,” said Orel Neuheimer, who has been ogling women since the late 1950s. “Of course I’ll respect you in the morning” is viewed by linguists as a hardy perennial that will never go out of style.
“I just want to cuddle” is a ruse used by American males to persuade wives and girlfriends to copulate with them, and is often followed by a term of endearment such as “sweetie,” “honey,” or “punkin’”. “This is a terrible outcome for those of us who genuinely just want to cuddle,” said Evan Winstead, an actuary who collects Beanie Babies. “If I want sex I can take care of that myself.”