Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Air Force grounds entire Stealth B-2 fleet
… or, maybe, they didn’t.
Putin upset Zelensky in U.S
Oh, Crimea River.
Amazon warehouse worker stole $160,000 in electronics
Would have gotten away with it, too, if he hadn’t asked for the 1- 3 day shipping.
Biden warns about Bomb Cyclone
No word if Iowa football team took cover.
Sandra Bullock’s avocado ranch flies off the market in California at a reduced price
So, that’s what’s known in the real estate biz as an “Avocado Dip.”
Happy 79th birthday Keith Richards
You don’t look a day over 137.
Argentina beats France 4-3 to take World Cup
For those wondering, that’s like 512 – 508 in NBA points.
January 6th Committee refers Trump to DOJ on four criminal charges
Trump: I never met me. Maybe, I got myself coffee, once.
Another Russian Oligarch, Dmitry Zelenov, dies under mysterious circumstances
No! Really? You’re Putin me on.
Cardi B warns fans about butt injections after getting 95% of hers removed
It was so bad she almost had to change her name to Preparation H.
Giuliani recommended for disbarment
Look for Rudy to appeal this all the way to the parking lot of the Supreme Courtyard by Marriott.
Joe Rogan accuses Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson of using steroids
Uh, and I’m assuming not sharing.
RIP Franco Harris
May you have a heavenly ‘immaculate reception.’
Texas cop previously fired for giving ‘feces sandwich’ to homeless man has been fired again – Fox News
As bad as this is, just don’t let it be from Subway.
Elon Musk complains about leakers
… As opposed to Trump, who usually pays extra …