This is a transcript of the interrogation of the infamous Dwarf Seven who are implicated in the disappearance and possible death of the Princess Snow White.
August 8, Once Upon a Time
Present: The Dwarf Seven: Bear, Otter, Twink, Jock, Diva, Daddy & Chub
Interrogator: Constable, Jack B. Nimble
Stenographer: Retta Riding Hood
Constable Jack: This is official dwarf testimony in the case of the missing Princess, Snow White. This crime was first brought to my attention when it was reported a body had been stolen from a glass case in the Enchanted Forest. The Three Little Pig Detectives responded to the anonymous tip which lead to the residence of the Dwarf Seven.
Daddy will act as the spokes-dwarf for the group. Although, all dwarfs are encouraged to corroborate the details. I plan to separate the fact from the fiction of this tale. Please share how you came to know the Princess Snow White.
Daddy Dwarf: The manic princess broke into our Enchanted Forest cottage. She trashed the place and hid in Twink’s bed.
Constable Jack: How did she trash your home?
Daddy Dwarf: She left food containers and wrappers all over the place. Seems she was having a bad day and was binge eating everything. Her giant slippers were on the coffee table, she left a huge bra hanging from the shower rod and used Otter’s pillow to make a tampon.
Jock Dwarf: The bra almost strangled Diva. Later, we used it as a hammock since her fat butt wouldn’t give up Twink’s bed.
Daddy Dwarf: Twink found her sleeping on his mattress and said she was snoring like dragon in heat. She’d tried to wear one of his nightshirts and it was ripped everyway but loose. Poor Twink saw parts of Snow White even Prince Charming hadn’t seen. Now, he’s in therapy twice a week with Dr. Suess.
Constable Jack: What was Snow White’s reason for breaking into your home?
Daddy Dwarf: She said she was hiding from the Queen— her evil step-mother. The Queen wanted her dead. That wasn’t surprising. In our business we deal with wicked queens all the time.
Constable Jack: It’s reported that you work in a mine.
Daddy Dwarf: That’s fake news. We own a dance club called the Mine Shaft. We’re business partners and polyamorous dwarfs.
Constable Jack: For the record. You’re all gay?
Daddy Dwarf: Dude! We live in an “Enchanted Forest.” We hang out with fairies, pixies, elves, wood nymphs, leprechauns, and we’re into fairy tails. Plus, we sing and dance all day. You tell us.
Constable Jack: Umm, okay. Why did the Queen want Snow White dead?
Daddy Dwarf: She said she was jealous of her beauty. But, that was difficult to believe.
Diva Dwarf: Gurl! What a tall tale. This chick was so pale she was translucent. Her hair was so black she had a moustache and a unibrow. I got out my tweezers and plucked that b***h like a chicken.
Daddy Dwarf: The princess said her mother named her Snow White so she’d be pure of heart and body. After a few weeks with us and the stories she told about the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker and Prince Charming, we knew this Snow had been blown, shoveled and plowed.
Diva Dwarf: That’s why we sing “Hi Ho!”
Constable Jack: Why did you let her stay?
Daddy Dwarf: She offered to cook and clean, but she lied. Most of the time Snow was pretty frosty. We learned the hard way that a princess doesn’t do much— she had servants. When we asked her to prepare a meal, she ordered chicken from Royal Farms.
Otter Dwarf: She said her true talent was singing to the woodland creatures. Her voice was pitchy and shattered eardrums. She killed a family of bunnies. They’re fuzzy heads exploded. The blue bird of happiness tried to peck out its ears. She couldn’t carry a tune in Jack & Jill’s pail.
Twink Dwarf: It’s Cinderella who has the most beautiful voice in the kingdom. She’s blowing up the dance floor with her new hit “I’m Tired of Balls.”
Constable Jack: It’s reported you helped poison Snow White. Did you try to get rid of her?
Daddy Dwarf: We didn’t poison or harm her. We only wanted her to move out before she ruined our cottage. Our bathtub was clogged every day after she washed her huge granny panties. Jock offered to send the queen information of where Snow was laying low.
Jock Dwarf: I work out with a couple of fairies who know Rumpelstiltskin. Seems like Rumpel sells gold chains to the Queen. So, I spread the word about where little Miss White Bread was hanging.
Daddy Dwarf: We didn’t realize that Snow actually underplayed how crazy mad this Queen was. Evidently, this woman thinks she’s got a talking mirror who tells her everything. It’s really just Tinkerbell pranking this dimwit. Tink tells the Queen to come save the dwarfs from the Curse of the Anemic Tart.
Chub Dwarf: The Queen’s into costumes so she disguises herself as an old, beggar woman. She brings some kind of rotten Granny Smiths and the princess of gluttony eats one. I ask you, who would take a bad piece of fruit from a stranger roaming in the middle of the forest?
Diva Dwarf: “Hi Ho! Hi Ho! She’s got no brains we know.”
Daddy Dwarf: We get home from the Mine Shaft that night and Snow is passed out on our doorstep. She’s drooling apple juice and passing high octane. I call Dr. Dolittle but he won’t see her because she’s not in his network. We send a message to Prince Charming but he’s away for the weekend with Dame Edna.
We try to revive her by snapping her bra straps but Snow ain’t defrosting. Either she has a serious fruit allergy or she’s dead. I know we should have called the Three Pigs but we didn’t want the attention.
Chub Dwarf: I’d read in Sleeping Beauty’s memoir I, Aurora that “love’s first kiss” is a cure for wicked Queen fruit baskets. But, according to Snow she had had more kisses than a Hershey factory.
Bear Dwarf: I found a pretty glen miles away in the forest and we drug her there so if she woke up she couldn’t find us. We contacted the butcher and baker hoping they’d take her off our hands. The butcher offered us an empty deli case so she’d stay fresh if she wasn’t in an apple coma.
Diva Dwarf: I did her hair and makeup. That princess could rock some red lipstick. She looked as fierce as any anemic corpse could look.
Twink Dwarf: Amen! Snow Girl.
Daddy Dwarf: From the goodness of our little hearts, we held a service for Snow and invited all the woodland creatures. The ceremony was cut short when rabbits started throwing rocks at the case. They hadn’t forgotten her explosive voice.
We left Snow surrounded by nature and a sign that read: Free Princess Available for Marriage or Medical Science. Six months later, two old trolls said that the princess was no longer under glass.
Jock Dwarf: I learned from my workout bros that Prince Charming came and took Snow White away. Either a kiss worked or the prince was into dead chicks.
Constable Jack: Do you have any knowledge of the evil Queen’s whereabouts?
Daddy Dwarf: Our club is right next to the Rumor Mill where stories are served up fresh every day. The latest gossip is she disguised herself as a Slovenian model and lives in a castle called Mar-a-Lago. They say she’s been trying to poison an orange dude with a bucket of chicken. But, you didn’t hear that from me.
Constable Jack: I appreciate your candor in this most unusual case. I will send All the King’s Men to search for the Queen in hiding. When she’s apprehended, your story will have a happy ending.
In the meantime, have some alarms installed in your cottage. You don’t need another run-a-way royal breaking down your door. I hear there’s a Prince Harry at large.
Daddy Dwarf: We’ve called Big Bad Wolf Security. He specializes in home invasions.
Constable Jack: Thank you gentle dwarfs. This concludes my questioning. You are now free to sing, dance and have a gay-old-time. Let this be a lesson for the Dwarf Seven. There’s only bad press when you don’t know how to handle Snow business.