In a decision that legal scholars predict will almost certainly be appealed all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court, the Texas legislature passed a law on December 26th mandating that every female resident of the Lone Star State register her uterus with the Department of Motor Vehicles when she turns 18.
In a state where reproductive rights resemble the Salem witch trials administered by the Marx Brothers, many liberal activists are concerned that this legislation will have a negative impact on women’s welfare.
“Don’t get your panties all in a bunch,” says Texas Governor Greg Abbott. “There’s nothing to be afraid of here. Texans don’t think twice about registering their automobiles, which are machines for delivering people from Point A to Point B. Well, what is a uterus but a device for transporting a baby from Point A to Point B?
“The registration process will not be invasive. Young ladies will simply report to the DMV within a week of turning 18, fill out a form, and obtain their 12-digit Uterine ID Number. That’s it. Easy peasy.”
But what is the purpose of registering every uterus?
“We just want to keep track of where they are,” Abbott asserts. “There’s nothing sinister about what we’re doing.”
The only Supreme Court justice available for immediate comment on the legislation was Brett Kavanaugh, who was interviewed in his pajamas in his backyard — sitting on a cooler chest filled with Bud Light, shooting starlings with an AR-15.
His opinion of the new law? “Awesome, man. Just awesome. Could you move just a little to the right? You’re in my line of sight.”