Wondering whether you have chronic dandruff or something more serious? Having trouble meeting “that certain someone” because of hidebound prejudice against Pediculus capitus, a/k/a “sucking lice”? Ask the Head Lice Action Reporter, she’s been there, scratched that!
Dear Head Lice Action Reporter:
I am divorced from my wife Sara Beth, and I will be the first to admit I share some of the blame for our marriage breaking up. I wasn’t always “there” for the kids while I was having a few inconsequential affairs, like that time I hooked up with Sue Ellen Meuschke at the Century 22 Christmas party and didn’t re-appear until the Senior Bowl of 2016, which is always like the last game of the college football season. That one wasn’t really my fault as I had only been doing the “Funky Worm” with her for maybe half an hour when she said “Let’s get a room and spend the night.” I don’t know of any man who would have said “no” under the circumstances.
Anyways, my wife is now running for “Home Room Head Lice Monitor” for our ninth grader’s Todd class next year, and as far as I can tell she is only doing it to spite me. Why else would a grown woman put head lice in her hair, it just doesn’t make any sense.
Mike Adamliek
“Million Dollar Producer” for Century 22 Home Sales
Westborough MA
Hard-shell plastic helmets are your best defense against head lice!
Dear Mike:
I believe you are mistaken as to the roles and responsibilities of a Home Room Head Lice Monitor, which are basically those of a local law enforcement officer, except that the “perps” are wingless parasites that live among human hairs and feed on tiny amounts of blood drawn from the scalp, and not shoplifters from Walmart or meth dealers.
I hope that you can see the error of your ways and use your estranged wife’s campaign for public office as an opportunity to bring your family back together. Encourage the kids to come up with campaign slogans such as “My mom has head lice–and I’m totally okay with that!”
Dear Head Lice Action Reporter:
I recently applied for a job at the Frogurt frozen yogurt stand at the Shoppes at the Malle at Windham Plaza. Believe me, my qualifications are totally “up to snuff” as I have scooped ice cream and gelato at some of the finest establishments in my area code.
The shift manager–who was butt-ugly as they all are–gave me the hairy eyeball during our interview and said “What are those little white things crawling in your hair?” Perhaps my reply was not “politically correct,” but I said “What does it matter as long as I wear a hairnet?” She got all huffy and said “I will have to take your application under advisement.”
Is that a “term of art” or should I apply for unemployment?
Jean-Marie Aubuchon, Bueno Nachos, California
Anti-head lice Stealth Bomber “Super Comb.”
Dear Jean Marie–
I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but I don’t see a “Frogurt” assistant manager position in my career crystal ball for you due to deeply-held animus against people with creepy things on their scalps. Don’t worry–there are LOTS of rental car front desk sales assistant positions open at bus terminals in your region, and management in this industry is less persnickety about crawling parasites on the heads of applicants who are willing to work for the minimum wage plus time off for lunch after six months.
Seven Hills Bus Station, Worcester: Your Gateway to Central Massachusetts!
Dear Head Lice Action Reporter–
I am running for the position of Home Room Head Lice Monitor at my son’s high school, Rico Petrocelli Consolidated Regional Voke-Tech. I am trying to come up with a budget, as this is my first run for “higher political office.” Is there some sort of website or something where I can find out how much I should be paying the other parents to vote for me?
Thank you in advance,
Sara Beth Adamliek
Westboro MA 01581
“That’s not my kid’s head louse. His had a goth t-shirt and Dockers plain front khakis.”
Dear Sara Beth–
It is time, once and for all, that we got money “out of” politics by public funding of Home Room Head Lice Monitor elections. If you have any kind of scruples–which are a type of curly-cue pasta that go well with black olives, capers, and chianti–I would suggest that you turn yourself in to the Massachusetts Office of Campaign Finance, which would be happy to relieve you of any donations you have received thus far.