In what is being described as the biggest takeover of a major religious group in human history, White Evangelical Churches in the United States have agreed to sell their souls to the Devil for a whopping $1.3 billion.
The announcement was made on Sunday afternoon by Bob Vander Plaats, President and CEO of The Family Leader, an Iowa-based organization. At a frigid press conference held in front of the Iowa Statehouse in Des Moines, Vander Plaats asserted that “this transaction should surprise no one who has observed white evangelicals cozying up to Donald Trump over the past several years. I mean, this is a man who — on most mornings — finds a way to break all of Our Lord’s Ten Commandments before breakfast. There’s no question that, in his personal life, Mr. Trump violates every moral principle we evangelicals subscribe to, but his political agenda is simply too appealing for us to pass up. So, after seeking God’s counsel, we have decided to cash in. Just think of how many Teen Virginity Centers and anatomically correct ‘Say No to Trans’ coloring books we can fund with $1.3 billion! Sometimes, doing the right thing means doing the smart thing.”
This is the largest dollar amount ever involved in a religious transaction, exceeding the $928 million settlement paid by the Vatican in 2014 to the parents of every altar boy in Italy.