KANKAKEE, Illinois. The Center for Population Studies here is the nation’s leading barometer of the number and nature of America’s future citizens, often forecasting dire shortages that send shockwaves through the nation’s economy. “Who knew we’d be facing a sharp drop-off in kids who wanted to be notary publics in the 2020s?” asks Executive Director Alton Birdsell. “We did, that’s who, so all the other think thanks can kiss my grits.”
But even the CPS’s staff of twenty didn’t see a demographic storm cloud on the horizon that could undermine the Social Security System at the same time that it threatens to crush the nation’s libraries in the next decade; if current trends continue, the number of children’s books will exceed the nation’s children by the end of this decade unless measures are taken to stop B-list celebrities from cranking out reading material for the nation’s toddlers.
“A modern industrial society needs 2.1 live births per mother to sustain its population,” says Everett Garvelitzksy, a demographer at the University of Illinois-Kankakee. “The optimum maximum age for child-bearing is 35 years old, but a woman can keep cranking out children’s books until she’s in hospice care.”
Among the unlikely authors of kid-lit are Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards, omni-sexual singer Madonna, and gangster-rapper 50 Cent, whose 2011 young adult novel “Playground” is a how-to guide that explains best practices in bullying your schoolmates.
The sale of children’s books is a hardy perennial of the publishing industry, with mothers, fathers, grandparents and aunts and uncles all exerting their purchasing power in the hope of making a favorable impression on a young one’s mind. “Say Aunt Rose buys little Jason ‘Tuffy the Tugboat.’ Uncle Nathan retaliates with ‘Good Night Moon,’ grandparents on both sides pile on with Dr. Seuss. Pretty soon you’d have a traffic jam with all the amazon delivery trucks lined up outside your house.”
Environmentalists say the paper, cardboard and ink that goes into each book can have a harmful effect on water supplies and take up much-needed landfill space. “We recommend continuing an oral culture tradition if you are a member of one,” says Celeste Overtron, a Forest Conservancy regional director. “Unless you’re buying one of our many excellent books for children, such as ‘Pokey the Friendly Shark’ and ‘Nature’s So Fragile I Want to Die.’”