Dear Lovers of Love–
Even though Consuela has been around since the XXth century, she must keep up with the times. A new innovation that has appeared on the dating scene is an “emoji”–a little image that conveys an emotional cue that would not be readily apparent from cold black-and-white text.
Emojis are a great help to those who find themselves finger-tied when they want to express heartfelt messages such as “I find you attractive,” “I want to have your babies,” or “Back off loser–I need a man who doesn’t bring a $1 off-lower-priced-entree coupon to a first date.”
Consuela has scoured the World Wide Web–it is quite clean now–and can accordingly bring her beloved readers “up to date” on the meaning of emojis, and how to use them to win someone’s heart.
Dear Consuela–
There is this woman at Amalgamated Flanges and Hasps where I work–I will call her “Stephanie” since that is what it shows on her records in the Human Resources Department. She drives me wild with her “Prince Valiant” hair-do, which I have loved since I was a boy and read that comic strip in the funny papers. I am not “gay,” by the way–I could never hook up with a guy just because he had a hair-cut like that, or for any other reason.
Stephanie has been a ticking time-bomb for me. If I came on to her and we got involved in an office romance I could get fired, and I still have eighteen months to go on the installment loan for my bass boat. Thankfully, we have never had to work with each other, as she has been in the flange division, while I worked with hasps. All that changed last month, however, as a result of layoffs, and now we are in constant communication over business topics such as how many items in a gross, what does “F.O.B.” mean, etc.
I have kept things “professional” on my end, but last week Stephanie sent me an email with a little smiley-face emoji, this one:
Well, when I saw that my heart leapt up, but I don’t want the legal department coming down on me like a ton of bricks because I made an “emoji-mistake.” Could you translate for me so I don’t get into trouble?
Claude Runston, Knob Noster MO
Dear Claude:
I think you have “caught the scent” as they say of hunting dogs in your “neck of the woods,” but you don’t want to go “barking up the wrong tree.” A simple smiley-face emoji is often a signal that a potential mate wants to establish friendly relations, but sometimes it conveys a less intense message, such as “Nice job on the triplicate purchase order form,” or “You added an extra zero and now Darnell Bulkheads will get a thousand boxes instead of a hundred.” I would check your Employee Handbook and for the time being use only manually-created emojis, such as the rudimentary version of the smiley face made with a colon and a right parentheses, until you have a chance to get “Stephanie” on the dance floor at the company Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa party.
My dearest Consuela–
I am a new hire at Scheffield Truck Body and bound and determined to make it to the “Hundred Thousand Dollar Club,” the elite inner circle of those who achieve six-figure sales benchmarks (not including sales and motor vehicle excise taxes). I stood up and introduced myself as a “first-timer” at the June sales meeting, and afterwards I received a “Welcome aboard!” email from a guy named “Jerry” with a winking happy face emoji, like this.
Consuela, I was not expecting anybody to come on to me just because I am a woman in the “man’s world” of truck bodies. Throughout my career in sales I have always tried to maintain a “professional” demeanor, not sleeping with any male colleague unless they owned the company or were unmarried and my “probationary” period had expired.
I will be on the road making ten calls a day next month, but I am already dreading the July meeting where I may have to confront Jerry and tell him no winking on the job. I am rehearsing what to say and have come up with the following, which I have put on a 3X5 note card: “Look, Buster. Let’s keep things ‘strictly business’ or I’ll rip off your _____ and hit you with the bloody stump of it.”
Or do you think that is too conciliatory?
Claudia Rees, Hoxie, Arkansas
Dear Claudia–
While I applaud your effort to break through the “truck-body ceiling” that has held so many young women back, I think you may be overreacting. A winking “emoji” is not a real-life wink, it is merely some photons or electrons or other sub-atomic particles arranged to look like this common but flirtatious facial expression. In the 19th century a woman might have been expected to blush when a man winked at her, but they didn’t have emojis back then. I would suggest that you ask Jerry to share his “prospect” list with you, then report him to H.R. for harassment and steal his accounts!
Consuela–
I am an eighth grade teacher at Dennis “Oil Can” Boyd Junior High School. At the end of each school year we have a “meet-and-greet” where students are handed off from their current home-room teacher to the one they’ll have the following year. It has always been a pleasant experience for me until this year, when I received a “See you in September!” text from Mark Blinderback, a notorious Lothario who has cut a wide swath through the seventh-grade girls, breaking several hearts in the process.
In the “complimentary close” above his name he added a “kiss” emoji, like this: 😘 I have read recently of numerous female teachers across the country getting into trouble for improper relationships with male students, and I do not want to get caught up in this wave of “anti-cougar” hysteria. I should add that while I am single, I keep myself busy with interpretive dance, scrap-booking and my two cats, Heloise and Abelard.
Any suggestions on how I can “nip this in the bud” so that I don’t have to be constantly dreading an untoward romantic advance from a “man-child” a third my age?
Patricia Hulett, Seekonk, Mass.
Dear Patricia–
A boy’s love for his teacher is a wonderful thing, but eighth grade is also a critical period in a child’s maturation process. If Mark is distracted by his love for you, he may not master “modern math,” and his understanding of the Articles of Confederation may suffer.
I would suggest that you “dress for failure” with high-necked blouses and skirt-and-sweater combos that are unflattering to your figure. If he persists in giving you unwanted attention, take him for a walk in the woods to help him with his leaf collection, get his pants off, and use counter-assault bear spray on him. That will take his mind off erotic fantasies!