The New York Times reported on Wednesday that multi-billionaire Elon Musk has paid, in cash, an undisclosed amount to victorious rebel leaders in Syria to purchase the country. Musk, who has fathered somewhere between 12 and 112 children, insists that he needs a country large enough for his offspring to play outside with their extensive collection of LEGO sets. “Those damn kids are always building something, and I’m tired of stepping on stray pieces every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Syria fits the bill,” he told the Times.
Current residents of Syria will be transported via SpaceX shuttles to a dwarf star in the Andromeda galaxy. According to Musk, “we should have everybody moved in by New Year’s Eve.”