Philadelphia, PA – Millions of pet owners woke up this morning to empty dog and cat beds. This follows Trump’s announcement, during the presidential debate, that Haitian immigrants are eating people’s pets. Now, scores of four-legged fugitives are trying to escape the crockpot.
Peter Pawson, manager of the Pup & Puss Hotline, said they’ve received thousands of calls concerning missing pets. “Not only are the pets gone, so are their beds, toys, and food. This is happening across the country, not just in Springfield, OH,” Pawson said.
“Miss Muffy left and took her kitty condo, all her Fancy Feast®, and basket of her catnip squeaky toys,” Eileen Leasher from Akron, OH, told Pawson. “She scratched out a note, but I’ll need Cesar Millan to interpret it.”
“My Pomeranian, Sugar Pie, took her four puppies and my Louis Vuitton luggage and headed for the hills, Tiki Clawson from Beaver Falls, PA, reported.
An All-Pets Bulletin (APB) was released today in hopes that devastated dog and cat lovers can be reunited with their furry friends.
“These animals are fleeing the country or going underground. Border patrols are on alert for packs of pets trying to scale walls and fences,” Pawson said.
Butch Bulldogger, border policeman, said he saw a group of Chihuahuas going through a border fence in TX.
“They were carrying sawed-off chew sticks and carrying signs that read, ‘We’re Only Fun-Sized: Eat at Taco Bell,” Bulldogger told reporters.
“Felines are crossing Lake Superior in catamarans to enter Canada. We’re not going to become someone’s tender vittles,” Miss Twinkles, cat spokesperson, told Pet Detective Pookie Alpo.
Alpo was hired by the newly formed group of missing pet owners— Save the Hot Dogs and Sautéed Cats.
“I’m working to open communication channels across the country so I can let these poor creatures know they can return home without fear of being filleted,” Alpo said. “Even hamsters and gerbils have hit the Habitrail.”
PetSmart stores will establish safe shelters. There, animals who fear seeing the inside of a roasting pan can find refuge.
Matt McGruff, an investigative reporter for Dog Fancy magazine, said he’s been researching Trump supporter RJK Jr. after disturbing allegations were leveled at his treatment of animals. McGruff claims he discovered a stack of horrifying recipe cards in the anti-vaccine activist’s briefcase.
“The Kennedy family outcast, who is known to have a taste for wildlife, has denied that recipes for Mu Shu Pooch, Terrier Teriyaki, Poodle Pot Pie, and Barbeque Burmese are his personal property. Although a package of meat tenderizer and claw clippers were also in the briefcase,” McGruff reported.
“It’s sad we’re watching the fur fly because of the televised ramblings of a lunatic.” Pawson said.
“Anyone seeing a stray cat or dog carrying luggage should call the Pup & Puss hotline at 1-888-FUR-BALL,” added Pawson.
Hah!