Labor Secretary Lori Chavez-DeRemer was beaming at a press conference on Monday as she announced that the number of job openings for Mass Shooting Motive Analysts (MSMAs) has increased by over 330% in the past five years.
“This is great news for our economy,” she said. “2025 has been a good year for mass shootings, and an even better one for motive analysts. We’re hitting an employment ‘sweet spot’, where the rapid spread of firearms throughout our nation intersects with a ready supply of deranged white males who believe that rabid hamsters are nibbling at their private parts. As long as we can keep Congress from passing laws that significantly restrict the availability of these all-American weapons, the demand for motive analysts should remain robust for the next decade.
“I’m so happy for young people entering the labor market today, at least for those with an interest in psychology who don’t frequent places like schools, churches, grocery stores, concerts, night clubs or pretty much any gathering place where they might cross paths with a fellow carrying an AR-15 who is convinced that wild rodents inhabit his boxers.”
Job prospects for MSPCs (Mass Shooting Prayer Coordinators) also look promising.