Let’s get one thing out of the way first. I am weird, but not dangerous. Okay, maybe I’m dangerous when I’m on a stepladder trying to install anything. Other than that, I am harmless and kind of cute.
But I sing opera and I write funny stuff. Go ahead and look at me like I have two heads. I don’t mind. I wish I did have two heads, so I could change them back and forth, according to the look I wanted. But I don’t. Have two heads, that is.
Don’t ask me to explain how I ended up being an aging opera singer and budding humor writer. It would take too long. Besides, I might write my memoirs someday, and if you already know all about my life you won’t want to buy a copy.
The irony, which I think is hilarious, is that singing opera is the direct opposite of writing humor. I have listed the disparities below. I hope that, by now, you have been so captivated by my brilliant lead-in that you just HAVE to stick around and read everything.
SINGING OPERA vs. WRITING FUNNY
Opera: I have played serious, tragic, beautiful heroines. I have died onstage of everything from tuberculosis to poison to hara-kiri to jumping off a building, while costumed in gorgeous gowns, kimonos and nightgowns. I have worn glamorous wigs and complicated hairdos and my face has been covered with a thick layer of gooey stage makeup.
Writing: I often sit in front of my computer looking like a bag lady in the most comfortable things I have that are clean. Nobody is looking at me, so what the hell. And I never wear makeup if I can help it. And I have not died yet, at least not that I know of.
Opera: I am in front of a bunch of people, singing very loudly and hoping for a lot of applause.
Writing: I am in front of my cat, typing on a computer keyboard and hoping to get a few laughs.
Opera: People will sometimes ask me to sing something on the spur of the moment, especially at parties or family get-togethers.
Writing: Nobody ever asks me for a free writing sample, and I have to practically bribe my family members to read my stuff.
Opera: I paid to do a lot of workshops and I entered competitions when I was first starting out.
Writing: I pay to take writing workshops and I enter contests … oops! This isn’t a discrepancy. Please disregard.
Opera: Opera singers try to avoid getting sick, especially with performances coming up, even if it means putting themselves in an isolation booth.
Writing: I don’t want to get sick, but if I don’t get out and around (breathing germs and touching things like subway poles and escalator rails) I won’t find anything funny to write about. Agoraphobia jokes get old really fast.
That’s enough. You get the picture.
But how does the cat do with the opera?
Harmony hates my singing. Unfortunately, she’s getting used to it. I say unfortunately, because I used to be able to get her to vacate places where she wasn’t supposed to be by singing a high note. She would take off like a torpedo. She has caught on, though, and now she just lies there and gives me one of her Is-That-The-Best-You-Can-Do looks.
Singing opera, writing funny stuff, dangerous, weird sounds like the makings of a great movie script. 😉
Aha! Scriptwriting! Now THERE’S an idea! 😉
Now I don’t know anything about opera singing or writing funny or anything about anything really but I would imagine, coming off stage after an opera is quite something.
Tee hee. Being ONSTAGE singing an opera is even more “something.”