Humor Bites

What’s that Funk?

Even at the age of five, my stepson was sensitive to idioms. Once when there was a musty smell in the car, I asked him, “Have you been petting a wet dog?” He said emphatically, “No!” Then after a few seconds, “What’s that mean?”

Bad Influence

When my stepson came home from grade school with a detention note for chewing gum in class, his mother and I were surprised since we never allowed him this contraband. We wondered which of his bad-influence playmates was responsible. Then he told us he’d been given the gum in an earlier class. By the teacher. As a reward for being a good student.

The Little Gourmand

The waiter laughed when my six-year-old stepson asked whether the dressing for the Caesar’s salad was creamy. Later, with a grin on his face, the waiter asked how our little gourmand liked the salad, and the reply he got was “It needs more lemon.”

Flush with Ingenuity

Just as my ingenious friend finished lathering his hair with shampoo, the water went out, with not a drop from the faucet for rinsing. But he quickly hit upon a plan and got a cup—then thoroughly washed the suds from his hair with clean water from the toilet tank.

Suited Her to a T

My mother, too genteel to write the word “toilet,” put “T-paper” on a grocery list. What her daughter-in-law proudly returned with was bright white typing paper.

I Was Warned

I stopped at 10:30 one morning at Lazy Tom’s Fireworks. He wasn’t open.

Bad Idea

My mother sometimes gave good advice, but when I complained to her about my chronic seasonal allergies, she suggested I put a want-ad in our small-town newspaper titled “College Professor Seeks Local Honey.”

Marketing Is Everything

At an upscale restaurant, the waiter recited the specials and said that entrées came with a side order of “vegetable medley.” When the meal arrived, the side order turned out to be succotash.

Cash Register Comedian

As I paid for the baby bib for my just-born niece, my cashier comedian asked, “Do you want a bag, or would you just like to wear it out?”

Flea for Your Lives

The flea infestation in my brother’s house was so bad that the rest of his family fled, but my brother decided to tough it out. Before bed, he drenched his exposed skin in repellent, then lay down and alertly watched. Happy with his success, he closed his eyes—and then felt it: the first of many fleas to hop onto his closed eyelids.

Not a Ghost of a Chance

When I was the first to lose in the word game Ghost with a friend and his parents, I stayed in the game by trying to get the others to talk to me, which would automatically make them losers as well. I quickly succeeded in getting my friend’s mother to talk to me. So when in the next game I was again the first to go out, family members exhorted her not to be tricked again. I said, “You’re not going to fall for that again, are you?” and she replied, “Nooo!”

Car Alarm

A friend who moved to Boston in the 1980s was asked the first day if he had a car alarm and then told he should get one. The next day he got the same warning from another local. So on the third day he drove to an auto parts store and bought one. While he was in the store, his car was stolen.

Clear on the Conception

When a woman I know announced she wanted to have a third child, her husband began a litany of reasons against the idea. She cut him short by saying, “Let me put it this way: I’m going to have another baby. I’d prefer it if you were the father.”

What’s That Name Again?

My wife’s teacher friend invited her to tell his at-risk junior high students about her recent travel in South America but then prohibited her, under any circumstances, from naming the lake she’d visited—Lake Titicaca.

That’ll Be a Long List

When my fellow teachers and I received written reminders to turn in our semester’s list of “F” grades, the actual wording seemed to urge us to some wide-ranging introspection. We were told, “Report your failures.”