Let’s talk fashion, style, and dressing. When civilizations are on the brink of collapse, is the last signal a disregard for clothing? Was the emperor forgetting to wear his new clothes and parading around the Colosseum in a thong? Did Caesar’s golden sandals get replaced by flip-flops from the old Roman Payless, or did Cleopatra give up her silk and shop at Nile Mart?
We no longer dress to impress—we dress like a mess. There’s a fine line between what is appropriate to wear in the confines of your home and what you’re styling among the masses.
In the 50s and 60s, men and women got dressed up to go to the movies, to church, on airplane flights, and to most public events. A cultured young lady wore dainty gloves to show sophistication, and when it was time to wash dishes, she’d slide right into rubber. At some point you might want to burn your bra, but you never wanted dishpan hands.
Until the hippie movement in the 60s and 70s, middle-class America didn’t wear torn jeans or go shoeless to a dinner engagement. Ladies’ clubs weren’t killing their living bras and hanging loose at bake sales.
But soon, the women’s liberation movement saw many free spirits throwing away their C cups. Free-range boobs were everywhere. Men were tossing away their Playboy magazines and hanging out in the freezer section of the supermarket. Pick up a pint of Butter Brickle and get an eyeful of nipple. The culture was showing off more skin and displaying their physiques. Micro bikinis burst on the scene, and so did Speedos for men. These little pieces of spandex left nothing to the imagination. At a glance, you could tell if a guy was happy, sad, or Jewish. A tip (pun intended) for the beachgoer: wear dark Ray-Bans and avoid the Speedo bumps.
A line was drawn down the fashion runway in the 90s when Casual Friday was introduced to the workplace. It gave men a chance to go from ties to tie-dye and women a chance to debate what a skort was. Management thought employees who were more comfortable would be more productive, but they never bothered to survey what “comfortable’ meant to the workforce.
Confident men started wearing bicycle shorts to the office. The problem was if you weren’t working at UPS, no one wanted to see such an assortment of packages. Poor Janice from Shipping was rushed to the ER after swallowing a paper clip when Todd from Operations told her he had a package that needed her attention.
Women weren’t free from wardrobe malfunctions either. Some ladies wanted to get physical in their exercise tights. From the office to the gym. How much more productive could you get? Management had to put their foot down when the employee cafeteria had more camel toes than Ali Ackbar’s Used Camel Lot.
Official guidelines for appropriate casual work attire circulated faster than Trump’s latest executive order. From kinky to khaki became the office standard. Change is constant, so working from home and the pandemic, once again, altered the dress code.
Like the mullet, we had two different styles going on at the same time. On a Zoom call, it’s business on the top and anything goes on the bottom. What you can’t see can’t blind you, but that only applies within the workspace.
People have lost their decorum filter and full-length mirrors. Articles of clothing we used to put on when we were home relaxing now have a habit of invading public spaces. Flannel drawstring pants are considered basic essentials for Millennials and Gen Z. Old Navy sells them as pajama pants. Evidently, no one’s Googled the definition.
If you’re going to wear pajamas to Target, I guess slippers should be part of your outfit too. Why ruin the feng shui? We definitely want to see you stumble around in your grizzly bear paw pair. I believe they’re featured in last month’s Woman’s Wear Wildlife.
Females used to wear foundation garments to hide panty lines. Now even granny panties are outmoded. They’ve been relegated to old cleaning rags, and butts in stretch pants look like a relief map of the world. Please don’t bend over; I don’t want to see Antarctica.
Body positivity is great. Just be positive that what you’re wearing is appropriate. Ladies of certain sizes shouldn’t be shopping at Forever 21 unless that’s their I.Q. They shouldn’t be scouring the racks at Lululemon if their size is Lulugrapefruit.
Men are just as guilty of dressing without thought or care. Hint for men: wash your clothes. Last night’s buffalo hot sauce is not sexy—neither are belted jeans below the butt. No one’s interested in what brand of underwear you’re wearing unless you’re on a Calvin Klein billboard.
Wrinkled is for raisins and body parts, not clothes. We’ve become complacent and lazy with our dress. It’s even worked its way into politics. Senator John Fetterman wears a hoodie and a pair of basketball shorts to his job. Excuse me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think there are hoops in the U.S. Senate Chamber. He can be casual, but he doesn’t have to look like a casualty.
We need to show more pride in our appearance—enforce stricter dress codes. Dress like we’re meeting an idol or a hero. Work to leave an impression, not a stain. Know that there are inside and outside clothes. If it’s flannel, plaid, and has a drawstring, it needs to stay inside. Although we could all use a stylist, that’s impractical. Don’t let your best-dressed day be your last. Wow them with your outfit while you’re still standing. Not when you’re horizontal and they’re closing the lid.