Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about former NFL star Shaun Alexander and his wife expecting baby no. 14, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Former NFL star Shaun Alexander and wife Valerie expecting baby no. 14
The woman doesn’t have a uterus; she has a Gymboree.
Chimpanzees consume the equivalent of more than two alcoholic drinks per day
How they get the bananas in blender for daiquiris remains a mystery.
Sinclair has Jimmy Kimmel back on the air
… No word if they apologized and sent a donation to one of Jimmy’s many charities.
United Nations explains why the escalator stopped as soon as Trump and Melania stepped on
I’m guessing because Melania will do anything to stop Trump from getting it up.
Airline pilot arrested for being a pimp
Now, we know why they call it a ‘layover.’
Lisa Cook’s bank documents appear to contradict Trump administration’s mortgage fraud allegations
If she really wanted them not to be seen, she’d have put them with the Epstein files.
Taylor Swift secretly attends the Chiefs’ first home game of the season
Unfortunately, the Chiefs barely showed up.
CNN once accidentally aired 30 minutes of non-stop hardcore porn
How bad are their ratings? No one noticed for 30 minutes.
Scientists sequenced the DNA of the ‘Last Neanderthal’
… Or, as he’s also known, CroMAGA man.
Sydney Sweeney turned 28
So … too old for DiCaprio.
Botswana launches citizenship program to boost economy beyond diamonds
You’d think a country with the word Bots in it wouldn’t need people …
Diddy gives heartfelt speech to family after acquittal hearing
… Or as he’s now known Plea Diddy.
Tesla offers unprecedented $1 trillion pay package to Musk
So, Elon’s talking to himself again.
Venezuelans line up to join militia in response to “outlandish threats” by U.S. turns out
Trump’s a ‘unifier’ … of Venezuelans.