Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about Time’s Person of the Year, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Time names Artificial Intelligence its ‘Person of the Year’
… Mostly because it couldn’t find any actual Intelligence anywhere.
Fired Michigan coach Sherrone Moore charged with three crimes
Looks like Sherrone’s auditioning to coach The Raiders.
Walmart workers unhappy about ‘dress code’
Actually, the ones who really need a dress code at Walmart are the customers.
Trump Rants About Rob Reiner’s Death, Says He ‘Wasn’t a Fan of His at All’
Trump’s Rob Reiner Truth Social post changed geographic history forever, Marianna Trench is no longer the lowest place on earth a person has gone.
Jim Carrey offered to return $20 million “Grinch” payday and quit the movie amid ‘panic attacks’ over makeup
Hey, Jim, how about returning the $20 some of us shelled out for “Dumb and Dumber,” too?
Happy 100th birthday, Dick Van Dyke
… Whose less PC name would’ve been Penis Van Lesbian.
‘Jeopardy’ champ arrested on charges of felony Secret Peeping
So, he’s now going to appear on “Plea Deal or No Plea Deal.”
Speedboat destroyed by U.S. Navy held 1,000 kilos of cocaine, Dominican Republic says
In fact, there’s so much cocaine in Caribbean waters, we now know why dolphins call it a blow hole.
5 anarchists plotted to blow up bridge
It might have happened if they could have decided who was in charge.
Lauren Boebert used campaign funds to see Kid Rock, FEC Report
Or, as he’s now known, “Middle-Aged Elevator Muzak.”
Hulu has renewed ‘The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives’
… The big secret is they all have the same husband.
Happy Hanukah
A holiday celebrated over eight nights, one for each spelling “Hanukah.”
Brooke Mueller claims Charlie Sheen owes her $15 million in child support
She could make up any number, like he’d even remember.
Trump’s approval rating hit a new low
If it goes any lower, they have a name for those people … Congressmen …