Washington, D.C. – In a bold reimagining of American culture, Donald Trump announced today that convicted sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell will receive a 2025 Kennedy Center Honor, citing her “incredible spoken-word skills,” “very beautiful license plates made in prison,” and “frame-worthy doodles drawn during her rigged trial.”
“She said I was a tremendous gentleman. Maybe the most gentlemanly gentleman ever,” Trump told reporters. “I barely know Epstein—can’t even spell the name.”
The transcript of Maxwell’s nine-hour interview with Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche was made public on Friday. Maxwell, who ostensibly exonerated Trump of any wrongdoing, also confirmed that Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and Marvin the Martian were “frequent fliers” to Epstein’s island, bringing only candy, gifts, and premium-grade massage oil. Trump has added the three to the National Register of Cultural Icons.
This marks the first time a Kennedy Center Honor has gone to a convicted felon. When asked why, Trump explained, “Look, jail is very cultural. They have art, license plates, soups, and even shivs. Beautiful shivs. No one talks about that.”
According to Felon 47, his honorees were awarded for their lifetime of contributions to our culture with their body of work, like disco diva Gloria Gaynor with her memorable music catalog of “I Will Survive.”
“Setting a new precedent for the awards, we can add felon to the list of contributions,” a White House source reported. The president also teased future honorees: “2026, folks, big year. We’re looking at P. Diddy—very talented with baby oil—and possibly the Hamburglar, who’s been very unfairly maligned. Some say he’s a criminal; I say entrepreneur.”
Maxwell will attend the awards via a live hologram. Tulsi Gabbard, acting as her temporary human decoy, will serve Maxwell’s weekend prison sentence in Texas. “They have a very nice hair salon there,” Trump said. “Hopefully Tulsi loses the Lily Munster vibe. Creeps people out more than Marjorie Taylor Greene’s biceps.”
A White House insider added, “This year, we’re redefining culture. If you’ve ever committed a felony and made something, congratulations—you might be next. We hear Bill Cosby is very motivated.”