The Wisdom of the Zen Grandma

After showing me photos of her adorable one-year-old granddaughter over coffee recently, a fellow grandma got down to business; complaining about her son and daughter-in law’s parenting.

“Sadie isn’t allowed to eat any junk food,” she told me. “There’s no sugar in that house. Not a single cookie. No candy or chips or sweets.”

“What does Sadie get for a treat?” I ask.

“She gets vegetables,” Deb lamented. “They give her a carrot and act like it’s a popsicle! And if I try to slip her a cookie, they act as if I’m trying to poison her. And then, of course, we get into a big fight about it.”

“Maybe you should stop trying to slip her treats and respect their rules?”

“But a grandma should be allowed to give her grandchild a treat!”

Well, obviously, this grandma thinks so. But that baby’s parents don’t agree.

Every grandma I know has an issue or two with the way their grandkids are being raised. We aren’t allowed to feed them junk food. Or? They get too much junk food. Their parents are too strict. Or? They aren’t strict enough. The kids get too much screen time. Or they don’t get enough screen time.

So what should a grandma do if she doesn’t approve of the way her grandchildren are being raised?

That’s easy!

She should keep her mouth shut.

She should keep her criticisms to herself, she shouldn’t try to undermine the way her grandkids are being parented, and if she does have to complain, she should complain to her fellow grandmas.

NOT to her adult kids.

My friend Zoe calls this “becoming a Zen Grandma.”

A Zen Grandma doesn’t fight the way her grandkids are being raised. She accepts it — all of it — 100%. In a way that is genuine and open-hearted. She doesn’t try to get around the rules. Instead, she tries to understand and follow those rules.

You don’t like the way your grandkids are being raised?

Too bad!

You had your turn. You raised your kids the way you thought kids should be raised.

Now? It’s their turn to raise your grandchildren. Your job is to support them. NOT to argue with them.

If you’re told that carrots are treats, you don’t whine about wanting to give little Sadie a popsicle. You respond with “Great! Where do you keep the carrots?”

If your adult kids think a potato chip is a vegetable, you don’t whine about wanting to give little Josh a healthier snack. You respond with, “Great! Where do you keep the potato chips?”

I have a friend who feels so strongly that her grandson is being spoiled rotten and has gotten into so many arguments about it with his parents that they’ve stopped inviting her to visit. Why? Her son and DIL are fed up with all the conflict.

“How can I make them see that I’m right?” she asks.

“You can’t,” I tell her. “And guess what? Maybe you aren’t right.”

I know it’s shocking to consider, but maybe your adult kids actually know how to raise their own children, and don’t need your constant criticism. Or your excellent advice.

Unless, of course, they ask for it.

From time to time, my DIL will run a parenting concern by me. I’m always grateful that she values my opinion and whenever she asks, I’ll voice that opinion freely. But she has never once said, “I’d like to constantly hear about every tiny thing we’re doing differently than you did when you were a parent, and exactly how you feel about it.”

And that’s a good thing.

My adult son and his wife are raising their kids, in many ways, much like they were raised themselves. But there are differences. My job? To follow their rules, back up their choices and to embrace their family culture.

Luckily, theirs is a family culture that I have a lot of respect for.

It’s just as good as the way I raised my son. In many ways, it’s better. Here’s one of the many things being a grandma has taught me: there are plenty of ways to be a good parent.

So, if your idea of parenting differs from your adult children’s idea of parenting? Get over yourself and embrace theirs. Fight with them all the time and they won’t invite you to join them for birthdays, holidays or the Bermuda vacation. But become a Zen Grandma and they’ll always be happy to have you around.

And when your grandkids grow up to become wonderful people, despite all the mistakes you’re absolutely sure their parents are making in raising them? You’ll be glad you had the good sense to trust in the parenting skills of your adult children and keep your mouth shut.

Roz Warren writes for everyone from the Funny Times to the New York Times, has appeared on both the Today Show and Morning Edition, has been included in 19 Chicken Soup for the Soul collections and is the author of 15 humor books, including Our Bodies, Our Shelves: a Collection of Library Humor. Drop her a line at roSwarren@gmail.com. (That’s Ros with an “s,” not a “z.”)