And here they are:
1) Do your taxes.
2) Check your investments.
3) Give to online charities.
4) Check messages from your doctors.
5) Write up a recipe for a new entree.
6) Go to You Tube and learn how to fix things.
7) Try to write down the steps listed there.
8) But you don’t have a pen.
9) Or even a pencil.
10) But you do have a purple crayon. Why do you have a purple crayon on your desk? And it’s a tiny little nub of a crayon at that.
11) Place your bank statement on your desk. You’re ready to balance your statement.
12) What the heck? What the lutefisk happened? The bank statement is gone.
13) As God is my witness, I have not gotten up from my chair nor have I even turned around? WTF?
14) Fine. I’ll sign onto the bank’s website and download the statement.
15) Gah! I couldn’t sign in three attempts. My online account is frozen.
16) I call customer service and after a scant 70 minutes of yelling, “Representative,” customer service comes on the phone.
17) By this time, I feel as if I have waded through a pool of electric eels and I say I don’t know what to customer service.
18) And now the FBI is coming for me.
19) I shall hide behind my office chair and take a nap. If I’m asleep when law enforcement comes I can legitimately not reply, “I’m here.” Maybe this ploy will fool them and they’ll go away.
20) But what if they don’t leave? What if it becomes a siege? I have no snacks.
21) I should have watched a mind-improving program on TV.
By for now.
Send snacks.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
Check out my novel, the hilarious apocalyptic thriller, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms?
Enough already. I’m selling my office chair.