Holding a bright red smartphone above his head in the Oval Office, President Donald J. Trump announced on Tuesday afternoon that he’s “on the verge of throwing some atomic whoop-ass at the city of Los Angeles. It’s time to transform that dumpster fire of a metropolis into one big La Brea Tar Pit and start over.”
For his part, California’s premier alpha male, Governor Gavin Newsom, is unfazed: “Bring it on, mofo! Los Angeles has Hollywood, and Hollywood has Tom Cruise. Have you not seen Mission Impossible: Final Reckoning, Mr. President? Tom Terrific will single-handedly intercept that nuclear warhead and ride that sumbitch all the way to Mar-a-Lago, where he’ll drop it into your orange-algae swimming pool. You and Ron DeSantis will be picking alligator snouts out of your butts for the next five years.”
Asked to comment on Newsom’s warning, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth bit off the head of a live chicken in front of a reporter and offered to meet Newsom “any time, any place to determine once and for all whose combed-back hair can hold more palm oil without dripping.”