Creepy noises in your attic got you worried? Wondering why the smoke detector in the den won’t stop beeping? Better ask your Home Demonic Possession Advisor before things get out of hand!
Dear Home Demonic Possession Advisor:
Our son Rodney was for many years into “heavy metal” bands. These were not the “heavy metals” that our President Trump is slapping tariffs on to protect Our American Way of Life, it was more like “Black Sabbath” and “Slipknot.” I know these names NOT because I am a fan of them but because Rodney is 25 and has not yet moved out of our house, thank you Obama. He is mooching off of our health insurance policy so I am still doing his laundry.
What I want to know is this.: Whenever I enter Rodney’s room his lights switch from good, old-fashioned incandescent bulbs–the kind I grew up with–to eerie black lights that cause his many “rock ‘n roll” posters to glow as if possessed. Is he–or God forbid, I?–a victim of demonic possession, or is this simply a matter of modern interior decorating that I needn’t worry about.
Emma Louise Staples, Osawatomie, Kansas
Dear Emma Louise–
I’m afraid that what you have is a case of garden-variety motion sensor lights, although in reverse. Most “MSLs” go from low-to-high, which may accurately describe your son’s habits. If there is a strong odor of burning manure from Rodney’s room in the morning he may be “waking-and-baking,” as the kids put it these days, and using LED security light bulbs to cover his tracks. I would suggest that you encourage him to develop healthy hobbies such as taxidermy, whose chemical accessories inflict only unintentional brain damage, leaving “young’uns” free to finish the job with their favorite recreational drugs in the comfort and safety of their parents’ homes.
Dear Home Demonic Possession Advisor:
My wife “Wendy” has been bugging me to let her have a walk-in closet for years, she says my clothes smell but I don’t think that’s true, I use both Old Spice Roll-One Deodorant and Brut Soap-on-a-Rope in the shower. Okay, so finally last week I let her have her way, I moved my stuff into the hall closet and she called in Colorado Closets which for a one-time fee of $1,500–$1,250 after the mail-in rebate–will remodel a “reach-in” closet into a “walk-in” closet. I’m not sure how they do it given the Laws of Physics, as I understand it space can neither be created nor destroyed.
So anyway I forgot to move my spare pair of shoe trees when I packed up so I had to go back in to her closet and when I did this weird music started playing without anybody being around. When I asked Wendy what the deal was she said “Oh, don’t worry, that is my motion-activated music box, I use it to see if there are ghosts in an otherwise empty space.”
Home Demonic Possession Advisor, Wendy has been a faithful wife–as far as I know–and a good mother to our little girls Chablee and Chardonez. On the other hand, she watches a lot of shows about paranormal phenomena after I go to bed, I work the 6 a.m. shift at Colkate Pneumatic Fasteners and have to get up early. Do you think we have a demonic possession problem or is it just “Wendy being Wendy” as the gals in her water aerobics class say.
Yours truly,
Al Darho, Schenectady, NY
Dear Al–
While you can never be “too safe,” I think Wendy probably hasn’t crossed over to the “dark side”–yet. You may want to schedule a visit from your local fire department when she’s out of the house to see whether they can detect any unusual radon levels or carbon monoxide leaks, but if they give you the “all clear” there’s no reason not to let Wendy back into your children’s lives as long as there’s a notary public present at all times.
Dear Home Demonic Possession Advisor:
My son Ewell graduated with honors from the Chuck E. Swerski School of Business at the University of Arkansas-Hoxie, but against my wishes he took the highest-paying job he was offered, with River Styx International Partners II, a hedge fund that buys up abandoned shopping malls. He invited me to come see him on “Bring Your Mom to Work Day” and despite what I had read in USA Today about how evil hedge funds are, everyone seemed nice, at least on the surface.
Then I asked the receptionist “Siobhan” (apparently pronounced “shuh-VON” for some reason) for the key to the ladies room and when I entered it I was assaulted by paper towels unrolling from machines, soap coming out of the little chrome thingies on the sink and hot and cold running water flowing out of faucets.
Ms. Home Demonic Possession Advisor, I am not some “nut” who believes in witches and ghosts but I found the entire experience upsetting. Do you think Ewell should quit this front porch of hell immediately, or wait until he gets a ginormous bonus at year-end.
Sincerely,
Valeria M.E. Warren
Dear Valeria–
I believe Ewell has stepped into some deep doo-doo and should clear out of that place as soon as he gets his next paycheck. From what I have seen watching a great many television shows, anyone who is in business to make money is a spawn of the devil and will abduct human subjects to avoid paying big salaries to MBAs from top-ranked business schools. Be glad you took that ill-fated trip to the restroom, and saved your son from a life of mind-numbing memo-writing and out-of-office “team-building” retreats.