Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about a Russian freighter, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Sweden releases boarded Russian freighter after customs inspection
Well, that my friends, takes some giant Swedish meatballs.
Brad Pitt scores legal win in winery battle as judge orders Angelina Jolie to turn over private messages
This has gone on so long those messages were sent via fax.
Florida Lawmaker edits photo to remove $100K ring after being accused of stealing millions
Now, it’s just a pic of her giving us all the finger.
Disturbing’ Epstein images of Trump flanked by unidentified women raise eyebrows: ‘So bizarre’
Damn, there are more pics of Trump related to Epstein than there are of Trump with Eric!
Moody’s offers sobering view on Fed rate cuts
Moody’s will now be known as ‘Downright Melancholy.’
Jake Paul admits biggest mistake against Anthony Joshua
Number one mistake: Hitting Joshua’s fist with Jake’s jaw.
Happy 82nd birthday, Keith Richards
You don’t look a day over 137.
16 Epstein files have disappeared
DOJ excuse: there were really eighteen, and it looked like there were 21 …
Russian general killed by a car bomb in Moscow
So, natural causes.
GOP strategists fear Trump-backed MyPillow CEO could doom Minnesota election
… Like he gives a sheet.
Fake ADHD drug hit the market
They would have found out sooner, but people kept getting diverted before reporting problems.
El Salvador Prison story broadcast in Canada
It was on the show 72 Minutes, because of the tariffs.
‘Frosty the Snowman’ voice actor had ‘at least’ three secret families, Quaalude addiction: Son
Apparently, it also puts the meth in method actor.
Trump traveled on ‘at least eight’ Epstein flights after saying never
… Guess that qualifies him for the ‘Frequent Liars Club.’