One Angry Man – My Attempt to Ditch Jury Duty

After almost 20 years of dodging my civic duty, they finally found me. I’ve been summoned for jury duty during the second week of January, here in the Los Angeles County Superior Court. On the bright side, this gives me plenty of time to start brainstorming how to get out of it. Actually, I’m not completely opposed to sitting on a jury, but I have one requirement, the trial must be a high-profile case, preferably involving a celebrity, and it should allow me the opportunity to write a tell-all book at the end, and make the rounds on the talk show circuit. Hell, I’d even settle for a group interview on 20/20 with my other lucky jurors. But, in reality, the chances of that happening in a Los Angeles court is…wait a minute, it’s pretty likely, since we’re full of partially psychotic actors, and actresses with drug/stealing/relationship issues, and that’s just the wait staff at P.F. Changs.

I digress; back to the task at hand. I need to start brainstorming some good excuses to avoid having to participate in what will most likely be 8 hours of sitting around a room watching people, and making snide comments about their weirdness in my head until I fall asleep, and a court clerk has to wake me up, causing a scene where I jump up startled with a string of drool hanging down my chin. It’s going to be an embarrassing nightmare.

Here are some of the excuses that I’ve been working on. I’d appreciate any other recommendations, or some past excuses that were successful for you.

• WARNING: This one is gross, but if you can pull it off, you may never be summoned again. When asked whether you can perform your services as a juror, answer with a question, “How often do we get bathroom breaks?” The answer will probably be something like, every few hours. Now is your time to gasp, and say something about chronic explosive diarrhea. Sorry, I warned you it was gross, but I bet it works.
• Claim that you have a job. This one sounds simple, but there’s a catch. The judge will likely look at you and claim that everyone has a job, so why are you so special. That’s when you have to be creative. You can say something like, no, I have an important job. Again, the judge look at you with an annoyed expression, and ask you to clarify. It’s at this point you have to tell him that your job is to pick up a delivery at the border. Be as vague as you want with this one, but when they pry, and they will, tell them, your associates are counting on you to make the pick up, and there aren’t many people who can handle rabid ferrets as well as you. You’ll be booked for illegally trafficking restricted animals across the border, but hey, no jury duty.
• When the judge ask you if you can be fair and impartial, ask the judge if he means something like how Fox News is fair and balanced. This will baffle the court, and cast your impartiality into question, causing a conundrum for the attorneys, and perhaps a few heads will explode and/or implode. As they’re pondering the question, duck out of the jury box, and head home, nobody will even notice.
• This is an easy one, but you have to keep a straight face as you do it. Whenever anyone in the court asks you a question, just repeat exactly what they say, but don’t answer the question. Then when you’re done repeating what was said, squawk like a bird, and give a confused look. You’ll get extra points if you jump up on the seat and squat like you’re perched in a cage. Don’t forget to flap your wings.
• This takes some guts, but if the previous suggestions have failed, and you’re not afraid to be brought up on charges of being absolutely hilarious, then wear the shirt below. The judge, and the attorneys will laugh so hard, they’ll let you go immediately, and probably be your friend.
• If all else fails, then you can try the old standby, and say that you have kids to watch after, and if you’re required to perform jury duty, nobody will be around to untie them, and let them out of the basement to feed once a day.

So, now I have a real problem. I’m not sure which one of these great excuses I’m going to use. I may just get to court and have to wing it, or just try them all. If you don’t see a post from me in the next 6 months, it could be that none of these excuses worked, and I’ve been assigned to a lengthy trial, where I’m being sequestered, unable to have contact the outside world, or I’m in prison.

If you decide to follow my advice, feel free to drop me a line, and let me know how they worked out for you.