Schizo Jesus

I think I may have solved the biggest mystery out there.

Why does Satan seem to have powers that practically no one else does? He seems to be quite the capable mischief-maker. The evil one brings about death and destruction with volcanoes, tsunamis, pork products, and birth control.

After the Garden of Eden fiasco, God allegedly told Satan to go and slide around on his belly and get lost. Yet in the story of Job, Satan and God supposedly conferred with each other before destroying a perfectly good family.

And most importantly, why are Satan and God/Jesus never seen at the same place at the same time? Have you ever seen Jesus without his glasses?

I think you know where this is going…

It already seemed that God had multiple personality disorder. Jesus is the loving hippie. God is the angry motherfucker that will smite your ass for the slightest trivial thing (but in a loving way). Satan, I think, is just another personality of God’s. He’s the angry motherfucker who…wait a second, didn’t we already have one of those?

Humans are the rationalizing enablers who will attribute all of the good behaviors with Jesus and all of the bad ones with this “Satan” character. The Satan personality is the scapegoat. Which is interesting because the word “scapegoat” comes from biblical times. On some religious holiday, people would kill one goat for the Lord and then put the peoples’ sins on another goat, which would be released to the wild to take the sins away. If I was the goat, I’d prefer to take the sins and live rather than be killed for no apparent reason, thank you very much.

Haven’t you always wanted to know why Jesus never just got rid of Satan for all of this trouble he’s been causing throughout time? Well, maybe he can’t because Satan is actually just God’s ‘Tyler Durden’. And the “army” that Jesus is supposed to be assembling at Armageddon to defeat Satan? They aren’t soldiers (why would Jesus need soldiers anyway?). They are psychiatrists and pharmacists.