The War of the Future

Bri-Nylon Cardigan

In this shallow, celeb-obsessed age, as style frequently wins the war over substance, your eagle-eyed visionary can foresee the types of conflict the world is heading towards.

Bri-Nylon CardiganAPRIL 2044, LONDON. The Channel War is well into its fourth year, as Britain gamely resists all attempts to be taken over by the Franco-German Union (FGU). The President of the Federation of American/Russian Territorial States (FARTS) is keeping a careful, neutral eye on proceedings and ensuring that the recently drawn-up Milan Convention is strictly obeyed to avoid any crimes of inhumanity.

This war is unlike any other. It is only eleven years since the Treaty of St Michael, in which all conventional weaponry, including nuclear arms, were scrapped. In a historic period of just three years, every single nation in the world melted down their arsenals and contributed all useful by-products to the kitchenware and fabric manufacturing industries.

Now, though, in absence of a single bullet or bayonet on the planet, a more sinister method of defence has developed. The FGU was the first to develop a sophisticated system of sartorial offence which could whittle away the enemy’s resistance in weeks, if caught off-guard. The first that sleepy Britain knew about it was when hundreds of French and Germans flooded into Waterloo station from the Euro Shuttle. Nothing unusual about that, except that they were all deliberately wearing cheap clothes. Numerous casualties succumbed to violent bouts of vomiting and sudden insanity when mercilessly assaulted by the sight of platoons of pale blue polyester flares flapping wildly above transparent pink plastic sandals.

With true British grit, though, crack forces, equipped with protective visors, were parachuted in. Employing shiny white nylon shirts that crackled on contact with wool, fluorescent jogging pants and trainers with illuminated heels, the first wave of invasion was dismissed. Many of the FGU soldiers were kept in prison camps as a human shield, to deter any attempts to bomb the capital with crimplene dresses.

And so, the struggle has been continuing. The repeated invasion attempts have slowly been getting weaker and the battlegrounds have been increasingly in southerly positions. With the exception of a few sorties by small guerilla groups dressed in acrylic v-neck sweaters with a sewn-in nylon polo-neck section, our boys seem to be beating them back. Our new supplies of ‘cotton-rich’ cardigans for the men and tartan tights for the ladies seem to be quite effective at disabling a battalion from one hundred yards.

Our Intelligence Units are gaining information all the time, from captives. They have now pinpointed all the major suppliers of bri-nylon anoraks on the continent and intend to send in spies to sew on fashionable elbow patches, thus disabling them.

Our spies, of course, are equipped with the deadliest equipment. Ear-rings and collar studs are de rigeur, of course and cause hysteria in all but the toughest of foe. But all attempts to resist giving information are usually defused by a display of female ankle bracelets and sling-back stilletos with peep-hole toe. Excuse me…

Our correspondent had to go on sick leave after writing that last sentence, so his deputy has been asked to conclude this article.

The MOD insists that the war will be over by Christmas. We hope to deport all POWs to make room in the hospitals for all the usual casualties from thoughtless Christmas presents, such as novelty sock sets and paisley pyjamas.

Simon Ellinas

Cartoonist and Caricaturist in London

Topical Humour and Satire

 

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