What if you could go back in time and become the person you once were? Wish no more because you can…well, at least if you are a woman. Yes, for a mere $30, women can buy a “restore your virginity kit” or an artificial hymen.
Okay, this might get gross, so prepare yourselves. The artificial hymen kit is a packet of fake blood and membrane that women are supposed to insert secretly before sex so that the man she is with will think he had the honor of being the “first”. Apparently, this little kit has saved dozens of marriages and engagements because the fake hymen is realistic enough to fool men. Right off the bat, I see a problem. I am no Dr. Phil, but I am willing to guess that if an entire relationship is based on someone’s hymen being intact and the other person not finding out it isn’t intact, this is a relationship that is pretty much doomed to fail.
Hey, who am I to judge? Well, honestly, for this I am going to judge. If you want to spend your life with a guy who sees your hymen as the foundation for a marriage, you need a new guy. And how many times are women going to restore their hymens? Granted, thirty bucks is not a fortune, but if you need your virginity back a few times a year, this could start to add up, plus if you restore your hymen for several men and they happen to know each other and they talk (and they will), the whole fake hymen jig is up. They will either know you lied or if they are not so swift, they will assume you are a devil woman, who possesses evil powers, not the least of which is the ability to re-grow a hymen for the purpose of reeling men in and destroying God-fearing people everywhere.
My advice to women is this: When the hymen is gone, it’s gone. Let it go. Do not search for a new one. I know there are a few of you out there who swear they broke their hymen in a bicycle mishap, and if you need to cling to that story, then knock yourself out and spend the money on the fake virginity kit. However, for the rest of you, if a broken hymen means a broken relationship, then take the $30 and put it toward an online dating service where an intact hymen is not a prerequisite for finding Mr. Right.
If you still want the kit, you won’t find it at your local CVS. You have to order it online at HymenShop.com The company promises to deliver your fake hymen in discreet packaging. Thank goodness, because while it’s tough to live with the shame of a busted hymen, it’s even tougher to deal with the possibility that your postal carrier knows he or she just delivered your new fake membranes to your door.