“Yo Moms! Can you and Pops vamp so me and Snookie-Wookums can bump fuzzies in my bedroom?”
I just can’t fathom one of the crumb snatchers asking me that question, but I learned that parents allowing their children to hippity dippity in their homes is a growing trend. As a humorist with a family blog, I pondered long and hard about broaching this subject.
Oh who am I kidding!? I was ready to jump all over this topic like a 3-year-old jumps on a happy meal!
I must have missed the hullabaloo when this trend made the news. I was probably busy organizing our family’s annual Barrel of Monkeys competition, which I won for the 3rd year in a row.
I want to discuss this topic now because:
1) It deals with sex and sex sells.
2) It’s controversial and controversy sells.
And most importantly:
3) I forget…maybe I’ll think of it by the end of this post.
Under certain circumstances, I wouldn’t be opposed to the crumb snatchers bumping uglies in our abode, and I’ll discuss those now.
Circumstances Under Which The Crumb Snatchers Can Dippity Do Dah In Our Home
When Chief Money Maker and I are dead and gone, and one of the crumb snatchers has bought out his/her sibling’s share of our home, has moved into it with their spouse and children, then and ONLY then, may they park the car in the garage of love–the first Tuesday of every month like normal married folks!
Ok, ok, maybe those circumstances are a little overboard. They can pick any day that first week. Who says I’m not a flexible parent?
The logic behind this “please-do-batter-dip-the-corn-dog-in-our-home” wave of parenting left me flabbergasted. Someone said they are going to do it anyway and allowing it at home is cleaner and safer than the woods. If you have a teenager with a room cleaner than the woods, I’m jealous!
Look, Chief and I aren’t naïve. We know that our crumb snatchers have hormones surging through their bodies like water flowing over Niagra Falls. We openly talk to them about the mattress dance, STD’s, AIDS, and PMTSS–also known as Post Motherly Traumatic Stress Syndrome–which causes random fits of tears once a mother learns her baby isn’t a baby anymore. Besides, nookie is nothing like it’s portrayed on the big screen. Your hair never looks that good after doing the bad boogey!
I believe there is a fine line between openly discussing the horizontal hustle with your teenagers and opening your home for bouncing the pogo stick. In our house that line is the six inches of personal space they must maintain or Chief Money Maker gets antsy with his trigger finger while cleaning his gun.
You might think that teenagers across the board are all for this idea, but I’m here to knock down your errant thoughts. In the Good Morning America interview, one of the panel teens said this parenting trend eliminates their strongest argument for not doing the naked dance–the “My Parents Will Kill Me” argument.
Oh, that just reminded me of my third reason. I wanted to tell the crumb snatchers:
3)I’ll kill you if I catch you.