Things Not To Write On Your Online Dating Profile.

 

I tried online dating a few years ago. It was just after the collapse of my marriage.  I wasn’t looking for anything serious, because the ink on my divorce papers was barely dry, and I figured that the best tonic for lowered self-esteem, was gauging what my ball park was.

The awesome thing about approaching online dating with a ‘not caring’ attitude,  is that you can aim high, and it doesn’t really matter if you don’t have any luck. You weren’t really all that interested anyway.

Aside from a weird experience with a low-rent, ugly, fat girl from Oxford who tried to convince me that she was a beautiful young well-known British TV actress (I’d let slip early on who I was, and she was attempting to lure me at peer-level), my experiences were relatively drama-free,  albeit unsuccessful.

When I look back on it,  I think I got everything wrong.

My profile photo was somewhat flattering, and black and white (much like my Twitter profile photo is now), and I wrote what can only be described as the simpiest description ever.

I told of a man who was very simple of needs,  and a fan of romance and poetry.  That’s not to say I’m not partial to a few lines of verse, whether reading, or writing.  I am.  But it’s not exactly something you need to convey to an absolute perfect stranger whom you’re hoping to convince to let you buy her just enough cocktails to relax her into letting you give her, at the very least, an over the panties finger-pop.

There were a few dates:

A 25-year-old blonde paramedic from Guildford.

A 29-year-old dark Maltese single mother from Hertfordshire.

And a 21-year-old Belgian legal secretary from London.

The Belgian was impossible to understand.  She was pretty, but I ain’t into one-way conversation.

The other two were nice enough, but we wanted different things. Namely, not having children or getting married after four dates….

So, it didn’t go SO well. But perhaps that was more my fault than anything else. Maybe I didn’t write the correct stuff on my profile?

If  you look hard enough, you can find advice on what you should and shouldn’t do when you’re dating online.  But, here (thanks to Guyisms.com) is the ultimate list of four things you should NEVER mention in your online dating profile. Follow this, and you may be able to avoid linguistically challenged Europeans….

#1.)  Dramatics. Remember, the people who read your profile haven’t even met you yet.  So there’s no need to open up about your crazy family, or how hard life is in general. As far as your profile goes, you should keep things light, and only list the GOOD things about yourself.

#2.)  Dating frustrations. Don’t talk about how hard dating is, or how it’s impossible to find the right person.  It’ll just turn people off and make it seem like YOU’RE the problem, NOT the people you’ve been dating.

#3.)  An Embarrassing Hobby You Have. It’s fine to talk about it on your first date.  You know, once they’ve at least met you and know you’re probably NOT a psycho.But if you mention something like Renaissance fairs in your profile, you might not GET a first date. Or, then again, who knows? Maybe you’ll find your soul-mate….

#4.)  That You’re a Very Sexual Person. Don’t even ALLUDE to sex in your profile. At ALL. Avoid the subject almost like a ginger baby in an all-black family.  If you’re a woman, you’ll get a ton of responses. But, not from anyone you’d want to have a RELATIONSHIP with.If you’re a guy, you won’t get ANY responses.At least, not from anyone you’d want to sleep with.

Good luck.

Oh, and don’t mention your love of lip-balm in your profile. 90% of your messages and winks will come from incognito gay men trying to investigate any potential bi-curiosity.

Mayhem

(http://www.minutesofmayhem.com)